na na na na

2009-08-30T20:07:00.001+08:00

I think you are really good looking (:

(:

2009-08-30T02:22:00.002+08:00

Nothing keeps one going like good friends.

2009-08-23T04:02:00.002+08:00

Just feel the urge to write.

Essay almost done, it's 4:03 am now. Well done weizheng, editing will be done tomorrow and printing done on monday. Many things going on now, thank GOD for the smart decision to get a proper schedule lest I will just disintegrate, not merely be buried, under the avalanche of tutorials, readings, tuition timings, gatherings, parties, to dos.

I am very pleased with the uniqlo top I bought at ION just now! Anyway, ION seems like a pretty okayish place to shop. I mean, like since I kind of shop at the same few brands ANYWAY, besides the hippie stuff at far east and bugis (which I am dying to visit, again!) (yacht 21!!! and that prettay dress!!!). But the really horrible thing I experienced at ION is that familier sensation of getting lost. The routes kind of remind me of eusoff hall, where we stayed at during arts camp 09, with its irritating winding corridors that somehow leads to the same place, and super unclear directories. What is this, scout school?

Daisy's 21st tomorrow, and I've got lots of work undone still. Sigh, SOS!!!

2009-08-22T02:06:00.003+08:00

And once again, approximately 5 hours and few minutes later, I shall wake up, bleary-eyed, muttering curses at how unfair it is for me to wake up at an indecent timing on what would otherwise be a beautiful saturday morning. 8am. No kidding. It's foul and besmirching of the sacred Saturday.

Really, because of this, I am so going to hand in my resignation letter. One month later, no more of such blasphemy.

At this stage, caution to the winds. You wouldn't want to end up in the quag again, do you?

2009-08-21T01:12:00.005+08:00

It was especially cold tonight, but here is one happy girl. I guess. (:

2009-08-17T11:18:00.007+08:00

And she wakes up, and it's all clear. Despite knowing that such periods of calm are when her emotions are anesthetized but... what the hell. She decided to keep her feelings in check; cry when she feels miserable and stop psycho-ing herself and in the end, push herself off a cliff into a bog of useless angst.

Anyhow, she's grateful she had people to talk things over till late. Thank you (: For one, it deepened her understanding about that particular person; the sense of helplessness. She feels guilty sometimes about not being able to help resolve the problems that he faces, and feels afraid that she might not be able to do so after hearing more of them, but she will try her utmost best to reference literary texts and give her opinion to how some authors handled certain angsty issues.

Speaking of angst, I was looking up on existentialism yesterday and found something quite interesting. From wiki:

Angst

Angst, sometimes called dread, anxiety or even anguish is a term that is common to many existentialist thinkers. It is generally held to be the experience of our freedom and responsibility. The archetypal example is the experience one has when standing on a cliff where one not only fears falling off it, but also dreads the possibility of throwing oneself off. In this experience that "nothing is holding me back", one senses the lack of anything that predetermines you to either throw yourself off or to stand still, and one experiences one's own freedom.

It can also be seen in relation to the previous point how angst is before nothing, and this is what sets it apart from fear which has an object. While in the case of fear, one can take definitive measures to remove the object of fear, in the case of angst, no such "constructive" measures are possible. The use of the word "nothing" in this context relates both to the inherent insecurity about the consequences of one's actions, and to the fact that, in experiencing one's freedom as angst, one also realizes that one will be fully responsible for these consequences; there is no thing in you (your genes, for instance) that acts in your stead, and that you can "blame" if something goes wrong.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism#Angst)

Language cui, all in all, today will be a better day (:

2009-08-17T02:50:00.004+08:00

It's not that I am awfully upset, it's not that the tears cannot stop. In fact, there isn't even any though I kept telling myself that they are on the verge of spilling out.

Perhaps it's my body's way of comforting myself. To actually cry means coming to terms with it, instead of being in denial. Talking about it indeed made me feel so much better and there really isn't a need to blog. But I wanted to, just for the record. And maybe some silly academic pursuit of the difference between consciously writing and writing when one's emotions are still raw. And whether letting the feelings transform themselves into lifeless words actually help.

Currently the pain is pretty subdued. But seeing their names just... stings me a little. Pangs of regret, of humiliation, yes it's that feeling of stabbing pain that I have not experienced in a long while. Because no matter how illusory my involvement are on these affairs, this is the first really concrete one. And so it's no wonder I actually feel like dying initially when I heard about it. It was unbearable, but now I just feel numb. Is it the pain subsiding? Do I finally accept that it's all a mistake and it shouldn't even have started?

I don't know how to face everyone tomorrow, so I have to be strong. At least, try not to break down in front of them, and everyone else as I envisioned myself doing. I've never experienced this kind of thing... in such close proximity. Illusory, remember? This is the time to be a tough cookie, you know you can do it (:

And the very least I hope I can get, right now, is to have a good night's sleep.

2009-08-12T21:09:00.003+08:00

I decided that I shall stop broadcasting my problems. Or so, the ickle issues that I perceive as the root causes of my emoing, except to realise after sulking for the entire day (again) that they are once again excuses for mutilating my soul. I am The Evil herself.

Writing about them here ought to do the trick, except that seeing the anger and pain being reflected in these tiny black alphabets make me feel that I'm doing myself a great injustice. I guess that's the irony of us emo people. No matter how much you want to get rid of all the misery, there is a warped sense of pride in their existence.

I want to talk about it with selected people, not that I believe they will be able to advise me to make everything better, but because I kept telling myself that talking to them about it will somehow lift my spirits. Incidentally, some of them are directly involved in the issue as well. Okay, not some. Maybe a couple. But the thing is, why are they then tangled in these issues if I judge them to be like that? Admittedly, just talking to _ might very well just make my world a little brighter. Cheap thrills that come at an expensive price. Because I just know that the consequences would be devastating; the confusion, the misunderstandings, the fear. Yet, I kept making the same mistakes over and over again.

2009-07-31T00:22:00.002+08:00

I am typing this without my spectacles and it's a rather amusing experience. Though the amusing part is more of like later on, when I look back at all tthe silly typo errors. And I am going to publish this, un edited. The Draft of the draft.

Despite some unfortunate incidents today, I managed to join day 1 of o week! Hmmm it was fun, overall I guess. Much can be improved though, on how to rah rah the freshies. Somehow, I feel rather shamed when all the councillors came together during our little debrief and when everyone commented on how the freshies are kind of reserved, shy, and afriad to lose their "glam side". Gee. I was one of them not too long ago. I can't really remember what changed me, though, I guess being with a different crowd helps, but along the way, the gradul opening of my mindset helped to get rid of my fear of erm, getting intimidated by certain kinds of people. I'm really grateful for my current OG cos everyone seems really accepting, and honest! Not that my prevous OG wasn't , but I guess there is just this little fear in me when I face people with a certain calibre. And I will uncounsciously tuck myself away in a corner, and constantly jack myself for being sch a hypocritical hermit.

MAnaged to procure the reading lists for my lit modules today and I can barely skim through them without muttering a few explicits under my breath. Bloody hell. I think I will die a ohrrible death this semester, and perhaps, get kicked out of school, or murder my prof along the way and then hurl myself off AS 5 BECAUSE.

I have so many insercurities. I kept ttelling myself that it's okay, just work hard and shred the result slips. But, really, results do matter. Especially to someone with such a awful amount of pride. I just don't think I can handle Lit and so WHY IN THE WORLD AM I TAKING IT AS AMAJOR????

THe mor epeople comment about how un-literaturish I am, the more panicky I get. Though some of them meant it as a compliment, like I' don't randomly sprout some weird logic that automatically zips everyone's lips- lsocially awkward figures- but... hey, I'd rather be socially awkward and kind of like, conform. Because the tide of self doubt can drown the few drops of glimmering hope that I can somehow do well,and prove myself to be a true lit student.

I feel like crying now, and it's barely even one week before semester starts.

2009-07-28T23:15:00.003+08:00

1a over, and I'm down with a fever. That's how stressful module planning is. Few weeks ago, I wouldn't mind the fever as much, but it's 2 days to o week and my students' exams are looming. Definitely not the best time to fall sick, or worse, get H1N1. I've always prided myself on my immune system, so please, immie, don't fail jie jie now.

Anyway, the previous week has been pretty hectic. Outings, meet ups, work. However there's this group of friends that I'd like to mention especially: the NERDS. Though we were not really close the previous semester, (an obvious dwindling in nerds sessions), I'm really glad that I've met you people, and interacted more with ya'll during arts camp. Here's to more nerding sessions in year 2 sem 1 HAHAHA

bit dark.

2009-07-22T20:19:00.002+08:00

For no reason, my feet feels cold now. And my heart is thumping, while my shoulders groan under the strain of... stress? I feel like there are 2349234 things to do, but I just can't get myself to start. For one, get ready for friday's lesson. I feel so sluggish recently, like it takes an immense amount of effort to pry open the lid of the piano, much less succumb myself to the rigorous training that I pride myself on achieving just a few weeks ago. I thought I have finally overcame a mighty hurdle, only to find myself back at square one. Lazy ass.

I was really disturbed by what my student told me today. She was telling me that she might have to miss next week's lesson cos she has remedial lessons all the way till 8. So technically, she has school from 7 all the way to 8. With 4.30-6pm as dinner break. And such schedule applies to every day of the week. AND this is on top of normal school curriculum and private tuition which means that her piano lesson is probably the most exciting thing she has in the entire week. I think this is insane! I mean, psle and all but having remedial lessons till night is simply immoral! It's disgusting; that blatant kiasuness that schools display nowadays. And parents too. Excelling is sort of imbued in her, not cos of personal achievement but because of her father's expectations. And because of such demented attitude on her father's part, my students' parents are divorced. She looks really weary almost every week, unsurprisingly, and her eyebags almost trumps mine (for different reasons). Oh, and her friend apparently cuts herself, and yes she is 12 too. My god. When I was 12 I was a carefree neopets loving kid who hung out the jurong east library not to read but to play with her shoyru and tap on the free internet services. Sigh, that friend is stressed up over school, and how she is ugly and so cannot find a "stead". Gee that is a term I haven't heard since like 5, 6 years ago. Looking back, I really wonder how I could have found any guy below 16 vaguely attractive.

And so, I did something that I never thought I would do, that is give her msn email address and hope that I can at least be her source of comfort in such dark times (indeed). I have always been the little girl, the confused one begging for directions but really, it's time to grow up.

Soci Camp09!

2009-07-21T00:30:00.008+08:00

It's 1230am now and I am damn tired but I decided to blog anyway. It really says a lot about one's mental dexterity to even forget to do something as... simple as blogging. Nevermind.

Hmmm just some updates: Came back from Soci camp and what can I say, I seriously didn't regret going for the camp, despite some initial misgivings. Made many new friends, played a lot (and sucked in a lot of games HAHA), laughed even more, and came back a slightly different person. Some things, you just have got to learn the hard way I guess. And the process ain't that bad, frustrating yes, but ultimately when you realise that your fear is the only obstacle, that is when you finally learn to get around it. Not get over it, but... it's a start.

Soci camp was more fun as compared to arts camp! Perhaps it's cos I'm really sick of the arts camp games and so find these new games innovative! But the lack of rivalry is something that I definitely cherished. And as a result, having my voice intact throughout the camp! (: And one important thing I've got to say is that THE WELFARE ROCKED!!!!!!! Like seriously, the first night when I saw the indo food I almost teared (almost) cos I was absolutely famished and was wondering what crappy food

we'd get. And when I saw that triangular piece of EGG!!! and the grilled chicken skewers underneath!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs uncontrollably*. Seriously, compare THAT, and having ants in my food AND THAT IS NOT ALL. Just when I was about to finish dinner, I fantasized about drinking coke and was thinking if I should get on my lazy bum to go down to the vending machines AND THERE THEY WERE, THE O COMM PEOPLE CARRYING BUCKETS FULL OF

COKE ZERO! At that moment, I thought I've died and DIED AGAIN.

Love love love soci camp and my fav I*GALLOP!

My Mother Saw a Dancing Bear

2009-07-07T14:47:00.002+08:00

I was waiting (for ages) at the seafood counter at ntuc for my mom while I noticed the bin with crabs. It wasn't the first time that I observed the little buggers, but there was something different about this group today. Usually only one or two will wiggle around while the others stare languidly at the human faces peering into the bin, but today, it was as if the crabs possessed some strange aura of survival. About a third of them were wiggling about, stacking on top of each other, as if they could form a ladder to reach the top. I felt rather entertained watching them prove their grit, but somehow the traumatising image of the caged seahorses surfaced again. Perhaps the crabs were just released into the bin, so they weren't fully aware that whatever they do, however hard they try, no matter how persistent they were in living through this final ordeal... their death knell has tolled. But then again, comparing them to the seahorses, at least their agony wasn't prolonged. I would rather die ten times over than be trapped in an eternal hell. And I got reminded of this heart-wrenching poem that Whitby introduced to us:

My Mother Saw a Dancing Bear

My mother saw a dancing bear
By the schoolyard, a day in June.
The keeper stood with chain and bar
And whistle-pipe, and played a tune.

And bruin lifted up its head
And lifted up its dusty feet,
And all the children laughed to see
It caper in the summer heat.

They watched as for the Queen it died.
They watched it march. They watched it halt.
They heard the keeper as he cried,
`Now, roly-poly! Somersault!'

And then, my mother said, there came
The keeper with a begging-cup,
The bear with burning coat of fur,
Shaming the laughter to a stop.

They paid a penny for the dance,
But what they saw was not the show;
Only, in bruin's aching eyes,
Far-distant forests, and the snow.

2009-07-07T00:31:00.003+08:00

Didn't get to blog about the bunch of wonderful people I just met and I doubt they will see this but still.

My fellow councillors- Shiming, Julian, Shijie, Gloria, Van, Jiaxing: Honestly I was a little worried that me, being such an antisocial emoworm, would be unable to get along with you guys, but it just proves how much of a pessimist I am cos YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!! (: I had a freaaakin great time with ya'll :)

And the freshies rock! Again, the emoworm felt pretty apprehensive about being comfortable in front so many new faces, but you guys really made me feel at home. Like, it's okay to throw a bit of face here and there, cos well, it's just you guys :p not any other stranger.

Yup, had an awesome time indeed. I like going for camps, though I'm not like the super garang/let-your-hair-down type, but it's just this really special sense of camaraderie that you get to share with your fellow comrades who are also experiencing the horrible compounding effect of the pathetic amount of sleep, trashy food, doing all those raunchy/otherwise embarrassing actions, sandpaper throats, and getting more power ups! Yeah man!

2009-07-05T01:13:00.002+08:00

Misunderstandings kill. Especially for paranoid people like myself who can't stop dwelling on stuff. I can't extricate that image, that wary glance, that. void afterwards. From a resolute no, I'm wondering now if it was more than just a misunderstanding, because I can't really explain why I feel so bothered by it. The flashbacks are torturous; they are the resurrected moments of humiliation, that never will seem to be buried by the other memories, and will linger on to corrupt everything else. Unless the air clears. But how do I do that?

2009-06-25T00:30:00.002+08:00

One of the most beautiful lyrics ever:

查无此人
作词:姚若龙
作曲:陈小霞
编曲:洪晟文

寄一份问候给远方的童年
想念那张满是纯真的脸
可以哭过就笑从不曾算计
幸福离的多遥远
寄一份心情给久违的青春
想念那个敢爱敢恨的人
相信忠于感觉会快乐一些
宁可受伤不肯说谎言

查无此人他们说查无此人
童年只剩一张黑白的照片
提醒我在逃离保护以前
我有过一个简单
却又美好的世界

查无此人他们说查无此人
青春只剩一段未完的爱恋
偶而像被风卷起的黄叶
落在心口上像一滴
被忍住的泪

I think the lyrics apply to almost all of us here.

2009-06-23T18:34:00.002+08:00

I can't remember what I posted in my last entry, and couldn't be bothered to check but I'm pretty sure it was an incomplete entry. And now, here I am blogging (most probably) yet another half-finished entry.

Many people blog when they feel like expressing emotions that would otherwise be repressed (health reasons), most people blog because they want some form of record of their life (memory's sake), a handful of people blog for cash (freaks), but I believe every blogger blog because they don't really know what else to do (sanity reasons).

Just like myself now. I'm back from a run (YAY!) and my mom says it's better to not bathe immediately cos the pores are open or something like that. Whatever man. And so, to prevent myself from being bored to death in that few minutes, I decided to blog. That has got to be the most original reason to blog isn't it (:

Anyway, I think I'm a shade darker now. Bloody hell. I chose this time to run cos there wasn't much sun, in fact the run was great (that's really something coming from me, but priceless if it comes from hongyi if that day ever comes) cos the weather was purrrfect. It was super cooling, and totally not humid at all cos it rained in the afternoon but yet the rain was not heavy so there wasn't much puddles. BUT I STILL BECAME MORE TAN. (no pun intended) Grrrr. Plus, camp starts on saturday and camps... nuff said. If this were to continue, I can't dress up as Belle for June's 21st anymore :( YES that is one of my main concerns now, I AM SO NOT DRESSING UP AS JASMINE WAH LAO EH. Damn sad can, no matter how jai ho is the in song now.

Okay, the post took long enough. Am going to bathe!

2009-06-21T12:28:00.002+08:00

Finally woke up before 12 on my own accord and immediately, I realised that it was all a big bloody mistake. I woke up at 11, in fact, and I didn't feel like doing anything else except go back to sleep. (This is turning into one of those entries that choke up cyberspace) Except that I can't go back to sleep anymore, so there's no choice but to wake up. Grudgingly.

2009-06-18T01:40:00.003+08:00

If I want it bad enough, I'd do all I can to achieve it. But are things that simple? With these 2 hands, almost anything is possible... or is it? If only I was willing to try, to practice hard, drag myself forward to make up for loss time but I can't ignore reality screaming you just ain't good enough. -You weren't, and you never will be.-If I really got what it takes, I wouldn't be in undergrad school now, bumming around and merely scraping through in all my modules. I wouldn't feel lazy and demoralised. I wouldn't go online, looking for scores. I am just not talented. Not talented at all. No vein of that sort runs in my body.

Yet, I somehow feel more complete. Like finally, there is a goal to aspire towards to, especially in the dreary summer holidays when I feel even more lethargic than usual. And it's pretty satisfying, knowing that I roughly know what I love, despite it not taking any concrete form. It sure beats the past where I know almost zilch about what I enjoy. And besides, prolonging the moments of understanding the value of each improvement and the sacrifices it entailed, makes them even more to be cherished, and that zeal to keep up this momentum is purely divine.

Sometimes, we just need some (blabbering) words of comfort to get on in life.

2009-06-15T13:16:00.003+08:00

As indecisive a person as I am, there is one thing that I am certain now- I absolutely detest quarreling. I used to be in favour of any 2 people with a relation to have a little tiff once in a while because despite the tension, opinions that were held back to preserve the harmony of the relationship can be expressed then. But it's useless quarreling with someone whose only focus is to win the argument. It was extremely frustrating trying to explain my point of view to __ when her only rebuttal was to bring up something that even though I was in the wrong, but which is totally irrelevant to whatever we were discussing. __ just wants to edge her last words in, period. Even if it's something redundant like "Stop wasting my time". What's the point, you tell me.

What a way to start the day. And now, I'm still feeling the after effects of a quarrel. Freaking pissed off, guilty, and wholly miserable. Now I see everything through this grey screen with auto filters for anything pretty. Even ice cream is repulsive. And I shall now recede into my little corner of gloom. Byebye

2009-06-15T00:11:00.002+08:00

Tonight, I felt my heart open again as I embraced a forgotten passion with The Man I Love (:

2009-06-04T21:38:00.002+08:00

Well, I did it. I finally told him, face to face about how he should stop treating me like a retard. And it's not surprising that he didn't take it very well. His reaction kind of ticked me off in fact, that whole sorry sniffing and slouching away dejectedly thing. Sigh, it looked like the act was more suited for someone one fifth his age. Normally I'd have gotten really irritated and start ranting about it online to my poor, poor friends, but today I've decided not to bother anymore. He can display a face black as coal and act so freaking betrayed for all I care because well, it's not like he really means it. If he does, he wouldn't have done it. again. As predicted. So if the whole cycle is going to repeat itself, getting all worked up about it wouldn't be worth it at all. And it wouldn't change a thing either.

2009-05-28T00:10:00.003+08:00

I think I am going to continue moping about until friday.

Just feel so... uninspired to do anything. And so bored to the extent of reading profiles on facebook though there is like 3423 things to do on the agenda. HAHAHA. YES I AM STALKING YOU LOT. GO DO SOMETHING REFRESHING ON FACEBOOK. MAKE MY DAY.

Clearly I am only inches away from doing the ultimate proof of boredom- creating a quiz about myself. ME ME ME MUAHAHAHA.

But anyhow, reading the profiles of people that I know, but have long lost contact with is pretty interesting. Even people who used to be friends, even close buddies of a lost time, can change so much that I damn bloody well do not recognise now. And also, examining profile pictures and wonder what their intent is in putting them. Most of the time the person looks especially good in that picture, or if the picture is somehow artistically conceived, or have a special significance (like with their gang or whatever) or... :D shall not say it here. And then, there's suay kuan people like myself who choose not to show their faces for the noble purpose of securing the eyeballs of the online community. Either it's something like mine now, or they just show specks of their leeeetle faces scrunched in a far corner of an extremely blurred photo with pathetic resolution. It's a wonder why they even bother to put up a picture at all -.- HAHAHA but it's funny :D in a good way *thumbs up*

Sigh, don't even know what to feel anymore.

2009-05-25T23:48:00.004+08:00

Entry number 101. What a special number for the most uninteresting day ever. Yup, another day chucked to the bin, 3 points. I'm not sure now if I really enjoy lazing around the house thinking of what to do, though it seemed like the sweetest luxury one could ever have. It's just the momentary bout of craziness after exams. Anyway, this is a run through of the events! that occurred today! - I woke up at 11, ate breakfast, watched "The History Boys" (which was kind of disappointing boohoo), peeled prawns, ate lunch, fiddled with the new washing machine, napped, watched a rerun of a talk show, watched a rerun of the healing hands III, ate dinner, watched the 7 o clock korean drama, watched the variety show after that, went to bathe, practised a little on the piano, went to watch desperate housewives, watched antm which I've watched before already, and went to blog, AND AM CURSING THE FREAKING INTERNET CONNECTION. dsnlskdflienfweinsion. Just got cut off like the 234982th time. And counting.

Fed my little friends in RC, and did a smattering of lame quizzes on facebook. Doing quiz after quiz on facebook is the epitome of boredom. Borree dommm. And what trumps that is creating a "how well do you understand blah blah" quiz. That takes home all the money, because when you're bored, everything is about you, you, and you. Which inspires you to come up with 10 questions about yourself. Yes a need to reiterate, the creators of facebook and the quiz... pure brilliance. 10 stars (:

Anyway I just don't feel like in the mood to do anything in this disgusting weather. The heat is crazy and soooo lonely cos it just keeps on embracing and caressing us like it's the end of the world. Go touch somebody else freaks >p

2009-05-24T01:14:00.003+08:00

I've started telling myself a few days ago to be more rational about tennis. It's really no use feeling so upset that I am so perplexed as to why tennis is such an interesting sport. Well, there are clear benefits, such as, working out, coming up with strategies and looking for a good angle to get the best shot, but such practical reasons do not really appeal to the emotional senses. Like, so what? It doesn't explain why I am so caught up with it, and feeling so damn pathetic that I led myself into its traps. I kept wanting to just wave it off, and dismiss it as a childish whim to be so involved in a sport, but I can't. I understand why now, when I reflect upon myself on what went wrong, and I can't help feeling so terribly inferior and helplessly miserable. And they sort of complement each other so perfectly that it almost moved me to tears.

And the worst thing is, instead of falling, I feel like I am making myself swim further away from the shore.

But it's alright. It's a good thing actually, cos it really got me thinking about all things that have to do with this though half the time I'm drowning myself in barrels of emotional liqueur but nevermind. I believe that as long as things can be framed logically, my thoughts wouldn't have the chance to go all haywire. I just want the whole giddy sensation and putting my arm in the butter dish scenario to end cos it's so, so painful when that happens. Especially after those moments died and come back to haunt me in the bathroom, and before bed. And the stab of comprehending, again, the reality that is already so deeply ingrained, easily brushes away any positive cobwebs.

2009-05-18T02:14:00.005+08:00

This is definitely one of the strangest film I've ever watched. And I am still feeling so confused by the ending that I can't even decide whether I enjoyed the film or not. While the experience was surely an engaging one, as I think the film is quite beautifully shot and there were many nuances for the audience to decipher and ponder over. And the haunting close ups were really intense (like that freaking long take on Nicole Kidman), which were really effective in capturing the audience's interests who would have otherwise fallen asleep cos everything was just "I'm Sean. And I love Anna." - Sean. "Anna, you're hurting me"-Anna. Zzzzzzz

OK there's more variety to those lines, but basically that's the gist of what they were trying to say, especially for Sean's part. Nicole Kidman was great as the tormented Anna as it sure was as tormenting as hell watching her. And at the end, I was kind of hoping she would drown herself cos well, life's not worth living if it had made a fool out of you. This is one of the film's more successful bits, cos you really feel for Anna. And when you found out everything's so screwed up, at least when I did, my first instinct would be to throw something and hope that it hits Sean, only to hit myself with that silly thought that I'm facing a screen.

Well, but I guess the director already kind of warned his audience that we're watching a damn screwed up film. In the sense that I was stunned by his choice of music for his opening. I mean, look at the film cover! Does it look like it would be accompanied by those orchestral music think- disney cartoons, complete with, get this, SWEET LITTLE BIRDS CHIRPING?

So I guess, I like it cos it really is a refreshing film, though I think the ending was a little too abrupt. But perhaps, that whole disturbing the audience thing was kind of the director's point, and to incite a more violent reaction like throwing something at his film maybe, and flashing neon coloured wtfs in the head, instead of merely knotting eyebrows and squirming bottoms... but that uncomfortable reaction was rather uncalled for -.-

And it was quite fun to feel royally screwed up in a proxy kind of way?

2009-05-16T21:22:00.004+08:00

I've been feeling so restless recently, which made me almost want to start jogging again. I feel as if an invisible hand is pulling my nerves like the strings of a puppet, but the more I try to run from it, the more painful the jerks get.

Feeling bored and restless are two different emotions. Almost contradictory ones. And I've been feeling them both simultaneously recently.

It's time to seriously learn something new. I was contemplating dance, but I'm sooo fat it's almost impossible. Sigh, so depressing. I think I've grown fatter these past few days not that I've been eating a lot but... I feel fatter. Yes, fat is an emotion too.

Anyway, I was watching this documentary about the largest aquarium in the world. It's actually at Valencia, Spain, and it has this amazing architecture shaped like a dome. I think. I don't know, I was only looking at the fishes. The show is about how this spanish guy, Paolo (reminds me of the honkie bread, bolo bao) planned the whole aquarium exhibit, from deciding what marine animals to display, and which of them get to stay together, and they showed real footage of people capturing the fish from open sea and importing them to the aquarium. And the whole process is so distressing. Though I doubt it was meant to be, as the co

mmentator kept insisting (defensively) that the marine animals would have a good life in the aquarium because their new home is thoughtfully modeled after their natural habitat.

But REALLY? How can anything artificial look, or feel like the real thing? How can a small, enclosed area be comparable to a vast open space? I mean, it's got to be pretty obvious when the fish realise at some point when they bump their fins against a solid surface. And that's when they finally understand that they are trapped. And their entire life will be spent staring at the same colourful scaly plastic bobs that are supposed to be corals. (Fyi, the corals are artificial too cos apparently real corals actually compete with each other produce some detrimental chemical or some sort so they decided to use wholly fake corals. Or something like that) What if they are separated from their family? Like in finding nemo. Sigh, going to the underwater world has always been a depressing experience. I remembered feeling very disturbed when I saw the seahorses shut in the extremely tiny tank. Alone. Imagine how it feels. That was quite a few years back, in primary school, but I can still vividly remember the poor seahorse that wasn't moving. It wasn't even bopping around like it should. What for? A few bops and it would reach the other side o

f the minuscule tank. If I were the seahorse, I'd stay still too.

But then again, I guess they are somewhat saved from the merciless biological foodchain and the predators of sea. Like this beluga whale, which is absolutely the cutest, friendliest animal in the whale (See how its mouth is naturally shaped into a smile! Isn't that the most adorable thing?). Apparently there was this pregnant mother and her kid that were swimming to its seasonal feeding grounds. Their destination was really far away, and the kid was getting really tired but

they couldn't stop cos there was this gang of killer whales stalking them. But the kid was just a baby, and it started lagging behind the mother cos it was soo exhausted. And that was when the killer whales started circling the baby, separating it from its mother and... well you can guess the conclusion.

So, which is better? I guess living a natural and meaningful life in open, though dangerous waters, beats a languid albeit safe existence. And it's the same for us. Life gets tough sometimes, but we are still free (except from death and paying taxes), but STILL. At least we are not cooped up like those poor seahorses, or chickens and pigs in intensive farms. We live to die, not live to be food for others, and without such burdens, we are at liberty to choose even our manner of death... most of the time.

2009-05-14T00:07:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep every night because I can't wait for the dawn of tomorrow

Yeah, that's one cheerful thought. Even though I have to extract it out like how whitby used to drill for answers during lit lessons. I don't long for the past, I long for a future that I can still remember the past. It's heart wrenching at times to know that many happy moments, cease to be nothing more than wisp and bellies.

I was checking out my pimples this morning and realised how quickly man and the environment change. Many people think that earth is dying, society is degenerating; everything is falling apart. The religious hold to their beliefs, and I for once agree with them that the end is near. Like man, the world grows. Like man, the world ages. Like man, the world faces death. And illnesses, and bouts of loneliness. More so now, as nature keeps thinning everyday. I just hope that when the time comes, I can die together with everyone I love.

2009-05-08T01:31:00.001+08:00

As long as it lasts (:

Reading list for the holidays

2009-05-06T20:32:00.004+08:00

BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?
Copy this into your NOTES. Look at the list and put an 'x' (or put a number) after those you have read. Tag other Book Nerds and Publish.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (X)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (X)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (X)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling ( X)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee ()
6 The Bible - ()
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte () first few pages, i think HAHAHA
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (X) one of my favs (:
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman ( )
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens (X) HAHAHAHA

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott (X)
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy ( )
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (X) one of my favs (:
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare ( )
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier ( )
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien ()
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk ( )
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger ()
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger (X) another fav (:
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot ( )
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell ( ) movie? :D
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald ( )
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens ( )
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy ( )
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams ( )
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh ( )
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky ( )
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck ( )
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll ()
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame ( )
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy ( )
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens ( )
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis ( )
34.Emma-Jane Austen ( ) Carmen's book is still here :x
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen ()
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis ( )
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (X)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres ( )
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (X)
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne ()
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell ()
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (X)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ( )

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving ( )

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins ()

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery ( )

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy ( )

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood (X)

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding (X)

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan ( )

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel ()

52 Dune - Frank Herbert ()

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons ( )

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen ()

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth ( )

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon ( )

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens ( )

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley ( X) love love love

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon ()

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ( )

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck ()

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov ( )

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt ( )

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold ( )

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas ()

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac ( )

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy ( )

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding (X) :D

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie ( )

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville ( )

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens ()

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker ()

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett ( )

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson ( )

75 Ulysses - James Joyce ( )

76 The Inferno - Dante ( ) supposed to.

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome ( )

78 Germinal - Emile Zola ( )

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray ( )

80 Possession - AS Byatt ( )

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens ()

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell ( )

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker ( )

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro ()

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert ( )

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry ( )

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White (X)

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom ()

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ()

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton ()

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad (X) *covers face in anguish*

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (X)

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks ( )

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams ( )

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole ( )

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute ( )

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas ( )

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare ()

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (X)

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo () I WANT!!!!

weizheng, you noob.

people, if you happen to possess the books for those in bold, gimme gimme gimme! (:

2009-05-05T23:36:00.002+08:00

One little incident, and the many consequences it incurred, and the many things I've came to realise because of it. The best of which are friends of whom I feel extremely grateful for. Without them, I wouldn't have managed to get through this whole ordeal. Thanks guys (: for being there for me.

I can't stop thinking about it. Even being in the room brings back memories of that terrifying moment. I feel claustrophobic everywhere. Even looking at the phone reminds me of my disgusting self. Though there is no point dwelling on it, everything's settled. But I found myself thinking about the other issues that surfaced because of this. As usual, I'm complicating things. Making solutions more intangible, because there's more than one problem to begin with. And not surprisingly, I found myself wanting to leave everything behind again. But what's the point? It's not as if I will actually do that in spirit. I long for blue skies, and open space. Anything than feeling trapped here. But what good will that do if I can't untangle the knots I made myself? Nobody else can, either.

Then again, it's useless to wallow in self-pity, thinking how much my life sucks because I am such a failure. Move on, move on, move on.

So anyway, I am revamping my room currently. It sure feels good to do some hands on work just now, instead of sitting on my fat bottom studying little words stringed together. Useless information! Now we've got a four glorious months to get the head a little emptier than usual... (I believe that in the exam period, even little airheads like myself have managed to fill the brain up a little...) SO. The room. Okay, other than the manual labour, the work's quite a headache really. Getting measurements (Again), finding suitable furniture (Again).... Hey didn't I do this just last year? Yep I did. But the arrangement was admittedly not that fantastic; cos of the additional piano, the claustrophobic factor shot up exponentially and my room looked a wooden jungle. Not with books though, that wouldn't be so bad, but with shelves. Bigggg shelves. Broad shelves. Tall shelves. Hagrid shelves. So... the hunt for appropriate shelves is on! Plus, my desk is gone, and I'm trying to replace it with one that's more... flexible. Something that is mobile, and maybe without a chair. So it will be kind of short, with wheels preferably. Something like those little tables, Japanese style? I don't see anything in the ikea catalogue, and my mom offered to try and make one. *gulps*

And anyway, hopefully the new revamped room will be close to perfect! I've given up staring longingly at the ikea showrooms cos well, there's a reason they are there... for show. With realities like windows, and other furniture, and measurements, and pockets lacking cash... Oh well sometimes we just have to piece what's available and hope it turns out nice (:

2009-05-04T14:58:00.003+08:00

It has just finally dawned onto me how seriously I've screwed myself up. While I was all hyped up just now, searching for solutions, complaining, whining to my friends, but it never occurred to me how I've singlehandedly wrecked my whole freaking life.

Okay, now that's better. Dramatise the situation so much that it's not realistic anymore. But step out of the room for one minute to see my mom's black face looming over me, that's it. I'll start breaking out in tears again. I don't know what kind of reaction I expect from her. From friends. Is it better to put all the blame on myself (oh wait, no need, my mom already did) for being such a blur twit, or tell myself that I can't help but being blur? But... I have already took all necessary precautions this sem! I've checked my timetable, location, even heck, even the seat number way before the start of exams. And now this has to happen. I don't feel angry with myself, my mom can do that for both of us already, I just hate myself. I hate myself for being stupid, for being weak, for not being able to look out for myself. For my inaptitude. Inconsideration, and for making people lie on my behalf. I hate myself for bothering my friends. I hate myself to always impose on them, and sometimes I do think they find me a trouble. And I wish that if they did, they could say it and I will stay away. And I hate myself for not handling the situation properly. Go and die weizheng, you deserve to be, it's all your fault.

2009-05-04T00:47:00.004+08:00

I've decided not to change a blog. Firstly, because I don't know how to move my contents over, and secondly, because I've realised that keying in the username and password gives blogging a sense of realism. Believe me, it actually prevents the occurrence of blank entries, which was normally what happens when I still could log in automatically.

Sigh, exams end tomorrow. My friends will probably kill me when they see this, but I actually do feel kind of sad that it's all going to be over tomorrow. And no pongyi, I do not wish to take your islam paper for you. The holidays seem like such a void. Not that I'm free 7 days a week, but... I do prefer to go to school then go to work. And without the friends, the crowds, heck even walking through the AS corridors... Life can be so lonely.

I like school, just not the studying part. And especially my 2113 module which is my final paper tomorrow. I'm dead worried, but I'm so freakin sick of studying that I cannot be bothered with it anymore. Even though I know I'm going to do terribly cos I spent the 4 days slacking away. I just went to an ex teacher's blog and saw something that he wrote. Something about how adult life is so monotonous, it only consist of work, pay bills, and pray for the best. Isn't that what we are going through now, with slight alterations? Study, fret about money, pray for the best. Studying and working are both rock bottom of the undesirable list so there. At least they have a bloody income. Pockets that absorb a few bills every month. Not like us students who are perpetually broke.

Pray for the best, pray for my lit paper :( I hope Valerie Wee won't suddenly pop out some post modernism question on love labour's lost. It's the most hopeless movie I've ever seen and till now, I can't even remember the plot. I only remember the flimsy collage of songs from many musicals and the girls looking like bloody disney princesses. And their beaus, the four idiots who include kenneth branagh, the DIRECTOR whom I was so close to worshipping for his work in Dead Again, and two unknowns who weren't even cute, and who can ever forget the face of matthew lillard who just acted as one of the crazy guys from Scream, that we watched a few weeks before? Watching a psycho who shot himself for fun do a fox trot with a disney princess is just plain disturbing.

Okay lah, that's why it's damn funny. Cos it's so uber lame and it was refreshing to hear laughter reverberating in lt12 instead of the usual screams from the screamygirlswhositontheleft (and i sit on the right mind you) cos of some mass murderer or crazy crossdressing motel dude or well... Because they simply love to scream and so will do it even at some tiny shadow. Awww sho shtimid.

Heh heh, 18 more hours!

2009-05-01T23:31:00.002+08:00

Just one little sentence from him and it ruined my entire night. Sure, I admit it. I felt jealous when I saw the both of them playing some stupid card game together. I can't help but reminisce about how it used to be just the both of us. Besides, how can she and I replace each other that easily?

Then, he said it. "We are playing some intellectual game. You will never understand". I might be paranoid. He's probably joking. But I thought I sensed a tinge of bitterness. As if he was trying to hurt me on purpose, by meaning what he said, just because I've been hostile towards her. Almost like he was trying to get back at me. Mocking the image his sister the mugger mugging muggingly in her muggy little room. Refusing contact with the outside world. Having absolutely no life at all. Alright, so be it. Doesn't change the fact though I have been doing everything except studying... If that's how he wishes to see me, and he wishes for her to see me, fine. I don't care.

What I do care is how he can bring me down just like that. It scares me how much I want him to stay and be a gor gor forever. Because I feel like I'm losing him, to someone whom I feel like... I can't acknowledge as an older sister. But the other way round instead. I guess that's why I feel like I am being replaced.

Or am I just being arrogant, like what my mom says? Probably a little. Despite my struggling self esteem. But then, it's not as if I'm hollering that I'm damn smart and I'm an undergrad with a dolby surround. I'm not smart. I wish I could say I am, but I'm not. I mugged my way across the education system and I'm trying to continue mugging my way through to the finish line. And the fact that I can no longer study like I used to, means that I'm way behind people who actually has brains. People who have the mental tenacity to play intellectual games. Happy? Now will they stop inflicting their inferiority complexes on me?

Or am I, on them?

2009-04-29T23:38:00.003+08:00

And fighting all the demons will take time.

I'd always believe the clouds are bluer on The Other Side. Only to get the other side and realise that clouds are never blue; it's the sky dammit. The artist is probably not as perfect as the art.

The devils they burn inside of us.

I wish I could just combust spontaneously. And when I return, everything will be different from the way it was. Or, at least, transport to some other time and space to at least make myself regret the decision to leave. Because I am an ungrateful person, that's why. Someone who counts her blessings, but pretend she didn't most of the time. Someone who couldn't even resist eating bacon for 5 days. Such a weak-willed girl doesn't really deserve all that she has now.

Are we ever going to learn to fly?

But we will never stop dreaming. I thought the stupid light will come at the end of the stupid tunnel, but apparently it never did

You know you're stunning, you're absolutely stunning (:

On a side note (criss cross fries anyone?), I'm thankful that this entry was disrupted many many times by randomites and randomchus. I'm thankful that they exist in my life, though they sound pretty much like a job for pest exterminators...

But well, if they do, I'll probably join them too (:

2009-04-17T02:16:00.006+08:00

Pongyi's right, blog entries increase as the exam fever sets in. They share a directly proportional relationship. And this is so true that I'm not deliberately refusing to blog just to prove that she's wrong. Hahahhahhha. KIDDING LAH :D

It's pretty late now and I should sleep. In fact, my friend who's in the army now is waking up a few minutes later to check on his recruits. Life's so tough now, even army officers have to be part time nannys to baby their little kakis. Anyway, I'm so sick with the stupid economic policies between Japan and Singapore. LIKE I CARE. But unfortunately, that is like, the point of the education system isn't it? To gorge us with useless facts. Especially in my faculty; an impression shared by people with mundane minds. But as I have always believed, we hold the key to changing the world ;)

Though I have to repeat that incessantly to myself, like a mantra, to force myself to study. "Times are hard when things you've got no meaning"- OASIS! And it is struggling up the vertical academic system that is the void. I still clutch my belief that what we're learning at FASS IS The Knowledge. So, don't fret too much over results, it's the little facts along the way that really matter. And no, I don't mean that knowing how many freakin Soviet troops stationed at Poland, Cuba, or whatever land, but the significance behind learning such random facts! We're well equipped to join WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!!!

Now, isn't the point of graduating about making money ? (:

Random revelation of the day: I mistook Nick Carter's (from BSB) voice as one of the peeps from Avenue Q HAHAHA. They sound alike, I swear. Go listen to the beginning of "All I have to Give". Great song, definitely one of my favs, but you have to get past the first few painful lessons until Brian starts singing. And AJ just makes this song a beauuuutiful one (:

2009-04-15T01:04:00.004+08:00

I just saw a beetle die today. I was studying it while in the bathroom, and it was just thrashing about a few moments ago before it stopped moving completely. It's hard to watch someone, something pass on, no matter how tiny the organism is. Yes, even ants. I loathe them, but that doesn't mean I enjoy watching them being squashed. But that would be a better option than vacuuming them and allowing them a few extra hours of starvation or cannibalism before dying.

And so I witnessed its march to death. Okay, more of, cycling cos it was kind of moving its feet in circles. Before that I was considering turning it over so it could move and maybe get out of the bathroom. But before I could finish considering, it probably died of exhaustion from trying to flip itself over. I must be going crazy. I actually felt, feel guilty that my indecisiveness led to its end. I murdered it.

2009-03-24T01:06:00.003+08:00

James is back again. After he appeared in my dream last night, he appeared right in front of my eyes just a few minutes ago. I reckon it's James II though, because he looks slightly smaller. But he hid behind the cupboard, just like what James I used to do. In the exact same position, unmoving. Well, James was quite static. James II sort of peeped out from his station a few times, which makes him a pretty curious one. So, I deduced he should be somewhere in his youth, unlike James who is probably really old.

Anyway, duncha think James II behaved like a human being? He sort of like, looked over from where he was, and snuck back inside again. Like, those young hooligans checking out for the police while their big bosses grunt over Marijuana deals. I'm scared.

Crap, what if cockroaches really posses some human strands of thought. I mean, there has got to be a reason why they are the longest living creature in the world. Dolphins and Chimps are found out to be smart, but hey, the cockroaches had a longer legacy. Perhaps cockroaches are like mini humans. They have their own tiny towns beneath the soil of human civilisation. And then there's those below the cement, which are the urbanised cities. They have a photographic memory, and can remember whatever went on during human's school lessons. Spies are despatched to do this, of course, and they go back and write books about what they understood from the lectures. Okay, maybe not books. Some... Wireless software thing that they can transmit through their feelers. And so, maybe roaches can do trigonometry and recite Yeats. Paint like Picasso, compose like Beethoven. Invent bombs that blow up the underworld. Have wars where many young roaches were valiant warriors survived only by streaks of red and a sacred hairy leg. And where many fell, out grew the greenest of mosses.

Different cultures can be distinguished by how they walk. Some fly too, some swim, some sneak behind bathroom cupboards, some drift into human's dreams, some scare the living daylights out of latania leow, some are little houdinis, some croon like jason mraz, some are muggers, some are partygoers, some went to smu and some to nus, some committed suicide because the stress is just too much, some got eaten up by lizards, some left home, some migrated to other homes, some are from single families, some isn't satisfied with the length of their feelers, some are outcasted, some do cosplay, some prefer the library, some are autistic, some needs a lot of love, some are mommy boys, some watch xiao niang re, some likes geography, some just met a cute guy, some like cheese... and it goes on and on and on

I'll be utterly freaked out if what I said was true. A roach version of Jason Mraz. MAN that's just warped. But on the other hand, they'd provide a new culture to discover. HAHA the roach culture. Crap, then we'd have to learn their language don't we. Squiggling the feelers. 1 inch to the right means yes, 2 inches means of course, 3 inches means hell yeah. Okay, THAT'S really creepy. Remember that movie, Cockroach man or something? Damn sick movie. About how a guy morphed into a cockroach one day, and ends up falling in love with a teacher and raped her and she got pregnant. The final scene was where he appeared at the door, dressed in a tux if im not wrong (yes wth) with a cockroach face holding a bouquet of flowers. wtf.

2009-03-11T22:30:00.002+08:00

Stuck in the well in the rain, trying to call out a name.

2009-03-08T02:05:00.003+08:00

It's late, I'm tired and I'm stressed out. What's new (:

Such late night rendezvous is becoming a nasty habit. That is, I find myself doing strange things way after bedtime. These few days (it's extending into a week! yay!) saw a need for me to write. I am an awful writer, and it's difficult at times to express my already very confusing thoughts. Maybe one day, I will. Or perhaps, I may never be able to do so. But what the hell. I still write.

Of course, not everything goes up here. There is censorship, but not as much as our very own monopoly of words hint hint street. I rely on my trusty notebook that is black and chic and oh so sophisticated (ok not really.) It has become my person. The one I will call when I get drunk and broke somebody's leg and am weeping in a dark corner of a police station. Plans on stabbing a you know who from a you know what department goes in there. Along with, sigh, deadlines. How can anyone doubt the value of History? It lives on. It's the dead that causes all sorts of trouble. Take a look at the red goo that is our world today. I think that perhaps religious intolerance, economic profits, national security, votes, and even freaking male testosterone are secondary to the historical reasons resulting in war. Ok, that is not the point. I do not wish to humiliate myself in front of all you history major and minor keys, yakking about war. Not to mention you augmented keys in history, the guide of the new twits of the century. I am but a diminished key. I know that.

Okay, I was talking about deadlines. See? confusing thoughts. Anyway I wish deadlines would reverse the convention and stop bothering us civilised humans in the 21st century. Or go reincarnate or something. There's already enough hunting we have to do.

6 more days

2009-02-28T00:07:00.002+08:00

It became evident to me only today that it is wholly impossible between us.

2009-02-22T20:26:00.009+08:00

I'm glad I went for the concert on Friday eventually. It was my first pop concert, and honestly I had to drag myself out on Friday afternoon. Not that I didn't like the singer, but given the trend of chinese pop concerts nowadays, I'd be caught dead amongst the tweens.

Well, yeah there were a fair share of them waving posters and screaming themselves hoarse (Scream, not cheer), and I was so relieved to see that there were many people not only around my age, but damn old. Like, in their fifties. I think I spotted a few elderly couples going for the concert together (awww).

Anyway, I fell in love with his voice all over again (:

There's a reason why I put this super cui picture up instead of the more glamorous ones. Because it was when he first sang 走鋼索的人 that I nearly died. And he looked like that, mind you. Clearly, I was purely in love with his voice. Also, believe it or not, that song was one of the few songs that got me addicted to jazz (: A chinese song too :O

And then he went on to win the competition and started looking like some poster boy. Or, at least the stylists attempted to make him look like one.

Not your cutest guy definitely. But I thought he looked good enough. Or maybe it was the tux. There's just something about guys in tux that makes girls go wild. Think it has to do with the whole romantic gentleman thing. Hmmm.

Anyway, that was when I started to cool off this better looking dude because I thought he looked like a bait for tweeny chicks to empty their wallets and brains. Plus, his album didn't really impress me (but it was way better than many others. WAY better), okay just not enough for me to actually want t

o deny my unwavering support. I still love his voice, but the whole packaged LOOK thing was a huge turn off. Like him trying to look suave and all, which isn't working honestly, but who knows what's up with tweeny girls nowadays and their adoration of anime lookalikes. (explains his hair i suppose; it's either the long mop, or the straggly toilet brush. I'm glad he opted for the more sensible toilet brush)

SO, I dragged myself to the concert, wishing it was 5 March with Jason Mraz (DAMN THE TIX ARE SOLD OUT). And I still haven't gotten over him.

My favourite thing about 林宥嘉 is that he loves to sing the weirdest, most un-mainstream songs.

Which is why I was fairly disappointed with his own album because some songs were just plain cheesy.

During the concert, I wished I brought pen and paper to scribble down many many unknown titles of his performances.

2 songs made me cry then. I managed to find out one of them, 我

by Leslie Chung, but the original wasn't as moving as the version he sung. Maybe it was the accent; hong kong accents singing chinese is pretty weird. But I think it is more of the emotional connection that he has with the song, which really affected me.

The other song, which I still cannot figure out what the title is, made me cry a long time. It was the lyrics. About love and loss, which made me think of the people I love and how I were to cope if they were to die. It was damn embarrassing because everyone else was cheering him on, and there I was, on the balcony seat sniffing and dabbing away.

And of all the 3 images, the last is my favourite. Though he probably looks the worst, with the horrible expression that he usually has on while he's singing. But it also shows he's really into the song, in fact that look is probably the one when he's belting out the high notes.

Oh, and another favourite thing. His English is really quite up to scratch. As in, it really sounds like English. When he sang "Fly me to the moon", that was it. Of all songs, the song that really kills me is that.

In other words, I love you (:

2009-02-20T01:02:00.005+08:00

Back back back.

I feel like a very busy Solero Shot. Amidst the fog because after the devastating german test which Frau Niemmann stood behind me like half the time (I bet she found my answers entertaining. in a very bad way of course), I kind of left the world for a little while. But nevermind, ponning js lecture was a relief; I doubt I'd be able to absorb anything anyway.

I found 2 new loves today ! <3

Sara Bareilles, courtesy of Mrs Airen (presents certificate of appreciation) with her demonstration of good taste in music.

and

Anoop Desai whom I probably would not have a chance to hear him sing again. ): Cos he didn't make it to the top 12 of AI. WHY WHY WHY. Why MICHAEL?? I think he is too muscly for my taste. And his voice sounds like spinach hmmm. I like Anoop's rendition of "Angel of Mine". It actually made me doubt the cornicity of the song. Rats.

I named a new resident of the second bathroom James. He's big, black, and has hairy legs. He's been around since the night before; hence I reckon he's serious about staying. Zhi ji zhi bi bai zhan bai sheng.

AND I finally watched the finale of grey's season 3! And it made me cry. It's too abrupt. And too understandable. That's why I was prob so affected by it. ): ): ): I wonder if that stuff really happens in real life. People getting dumped at the altar. And the boyfriend fleeing like lightning afterwards. Bit too fast eh. Season 4 looks promising. After watching ep 1A. I like Christina's plaids (: Cute.

If only I can be just as productive as in my studies.

2009-02-06T00:02:00.003+08:00

Just a short breather before I head back to work. I feel like crying. I am so tired, but there is more work to do. Exhaustion is not an option. And it is not like I did not sleep enough. I sleep like 7 hours a day? But I still doze off almost every chance I get. Anywhere, except at night when I'm supposed to sleep. Needless to say, I'm terribly stressed. Over school and the endless readings. And projects that are coming up. And GERMAN which is really killing me. I swear it is got to be the most AWFUL LANGUAGE to learn. EVER. With all its disgusting exceptions, special considerations... I don't know if I'm even able to pass this semester. And my theory? In the pits. The exam is in March. And I just don't have enough time to practise. I wish someone will be there for company. But it seems like... almost everyone thinks that I'm giving myself this unnecessary stress. Perhaps. It's not like it's the end of the world if I flunk my theory. Just a few thousand dollars down the drain, and even if i DO pass, the cert is just... paper. How am I going to teach my students?? I'm scared that I will screw up their interest in music. I am not an interesting person. I'm afraid I don't know how to make the lesson enjoyable. I try, but... at the end of the day, it's really not about being able to play well just by being "interested". Especially if there's exams to be considered. It's a dreary thing, practice. I don't know how to make them understand by not sounding like a puritan. And this is where it is my fault. After much thought, I still have to put the blame on myself because ultimately, it is the teacher who has to guide them uphill. I try to give as much encouragement as I can, but I still feel that I'm nowhere near "good enough". Sigh, didn't I promise myself to be strong? To be able to take it no matter what. I guess I'm just tired. And scared about -. Honestly, I'm scared! I really don't want to go, but super last minute paiseh because of such reasons is just cheap. I need some motivation ):

2009-02-03T01:15:00.004+08:00

Today is Good day, rough night. I've never lost my appetite ever since... Maybe A levels? Given my size, it's not hard to tell. I spent the whole night trying to figure out a sound answer to my lit tutorial for tomorrow and 'terror' pretty much sums up my feelings towards the very first tutorial. True, there is no module that is not stressful, but I seem to view this mod especially so. It's like placing the last blue chip on the betting table. All that I have aspired towards lie on this module. Not that I will die if I do badly. But haven't stories plagiarised enough about the superficiality of mortal death?

If not this, what is? I'm tired and frustrated of waiting. Of not knowing. Of not understanding myself. Of having no passions. Because after a conversation with a friend today, I realised that I have no passions. Short lived passions are not passions. They are like migratory birds. I hate birds, but I need to be one that can settle down and be so wholly satisfied that it doesn't want to fly away again. Are there any birds like that? Do birds from Singapore fly to JB for a short holiday? Or to taste the different flavoured earthworms at other countries?

I'm pretty sure they do. It's natural to feel sick of repetitions. Or is it?

2009-01-30T23:21:00.003+08:00

I'm trying not to let the thoughts get to me. I'm trying to be optimistic. I ate a sunny side up today. I didn't yell at the kids. Okay I pulled a long face during my own music class today because it was so damn early and my body functions were still asleep. I think they wake up at about 1pm.

Anyway, yesterday was my first attempt at you know what. And it didn't go well at all. It sucked, in fact. I was sprouting gibberish and acting like some... overexcited school girl. And it was just plain frustrating. Not embarrassing, but frustrating. Really. I wanted to kill myself on the spot. I can't be myself. Heck, I don't even know what's myself. Myself. Is that something worrying? I think so. I should talk more about what I like, what I discovered today so as to at least understand myself. When I stare into the mirror, I see only a ghost. It's the dark eye circles :( I bought this eye creme from bodyshop recently. It's some aloe vera thing, that is supposed to soothe the tired skin and it better work. Such a weeny bottle and it cost close to 30 bucks? I can't remember. I don't even know why I bought it. But I quite like bodyshop's stuff though. They are usually in neat, small, colourful bottles (though the eye creme was just in a normal white bottle) but YEAH. I go crazy over the soap. It's pure eye candy. Madness. I have absolutely no eye candy in school but bodyshop soap qualifies as one. I might just marry a bottle of liquid soap.

On a final note, I don't know if I should talk things over. Or pretend nothing changed. I feel guilty enough, but as a friend pointed out, my _ was genuine. And it was to be respected. But... it was so obviously my own problem. The criminal goes to jail, not the victim. Even the guy swallowed 67 condoms stuffed with cocaine admitted to his crime... Why shouldn't I?

2009-01-29T02:05:00.002+08:00

Keeping up to the promise (:

Today was singapore flyer day. Mood swung slowly. Plenty of pauses. Tops and bottoms. Short period of malfunction.

I am going to form an army called the AUSOM. Autistics Unite Show Our Might. Playing with a stapler and staring into space the entire thing does constitute an autistic attack. That's the malfunction part. Stalk me these days and you'll find me squatting along as1 throwing twigs at people. And I will know because I will hit you. But I wouldn't know it was you, because by then we won't be friends because I don't recognise people when my autism attacks. I simply lose the ability to differentiate faces, let alone match faces to names. You all look like toothpicks.

I drowned ants today. I think I should perform a ritual for them to redeem myself. Or else my afterlife might be incessant episodes of being drowned, squashed, swept, blown away by giant ants.

Ah, and not forgetting being sucked in by a phillips mini vacuum cleaner.

Am sneaking little naps now. Better go sleep. Let's see how long this keeps up (:

2009-01-11T17:00:00.003+08:00

So I'm childish. And if she's coming up for new year and starts being friendly with everyone especially my favourite uncle, i'm leaving. Screw being nice. I'm childish and arrogant and I can't stand the look of her and her happy face. HENCE after all the niceties are observed I'm out of the house. SO THERE

2009-01-07T00:33:00.004+08:00

I miss phone calls on stormy nights. I wish they didn't take place, yet I miss them. Just the calls themselves, not who, not where, not why. Right enough I'm starting to disgust myself. Anyway, school's starting next week. Yippee yay don't I sound extremely excited. I'm doing an introduction to film art this semester, and I hope everything will make sense then, and after. Literally. The prof sounds like McGonagall which is very worrying, because those kind of people can only be a dear in very personal situations. I have got as much chance and interest to be in a personal situation with the prof as much as a lightning scar on my forehead. I just hope to finish this semester with better grades and a direction. And already, that is a handful. Together with my theory exam, and THEIR theory exams, I... must cope. Whatever stress, and I-just-can't-do-it bullshit, I must cope. Cos 3.3 is not the way to go. I am not satisfied, and no matter how much I whine about not being intellectual enough, I am still not intellectual enough. So face it. Make do with it. Study more. Make up for the fewer, slow brain cells. And those who keep wandering around the other lobes sightseeing. That will provide a map. I mean it. So those who are reading this (which i have absolutely no idea who), please swear at me next time you see me online on msn or facebook especially. I permit vulgarities if they aren't personal thanks.

2009-01-02T01:29:00.003+08:00

It's that feeling again. Guilt, fascination, longing, despair, all meshed together with a dash of sadism. And the knowledge that I can never understand how it was really like during the war, any kind of war, and hence there's this offensive thought of wanting to experience it. A fleeting thought. Studying and reading about the Jews, the Palestinians, the Iraqis and the other poor souls is enough to make me feel grateful for still being able to log on to msn, sit in a seriously uncomfortable chair, and feel irritated with whatever is playing on itunes now. Ah, that's better. I like Better Man by Robbie Williams. I kind of like Robbie Williams' s songs. Angel made me cry a few times. If I didn't remember wrongly, that was my theme song for King of the Castle back in sec 4 and the crying was imagining Kingshaw's suicide in the ending. "I'm loving angels instead"- Helena Kingshaw that shameless flirt, Hooper that arse, and Joseph Hooper that useless wooden block.

And Supreme is just funny. "Do you leave dents when you sit? Are you getting on a bit?" Hell yeah dammit. Speaking of weight loss, that's one of my resolutions for 2009. Okay, some report in the newspaper quoted some psychiatrist saying that being specific is the key to keeping resolutions. So I am going to jog or swim at least once a week. There. Down in black and white. (ignores the edit button) (ignores ignore). And REALLY, CONCENTRATE ON MY THEORY. ARRGH. Did i mention how much I absolutely hate theory. That's one of the few times I am absolute about something. It's as rare as Jafnie being on time for anything other than school. I hate theory. It's got to be the most boring, most rigid, and has the most number of Exceptions! Again!! other than Deustch. Deustch, which I really have to start revising like now. Along with doing the stupid theory practice papers. I hate theory.

I feel like attending the Jason Mraz concert that facebook actually has a group for in March. But Sistic doesn't have it on its calendar which is so strange.

Hate theory.

2008-12-29T00:19:00.002+08:00

After a bit of self-reflection, I've finally churned out the most important new year resolution: simply, to start being nice. And most importantly to keep my criticisms to myself if there's a need to shut up. Sometimes I think i blabber so much that, well, things that I don't actually mean tumbles out in package stamped MEANIE across it. So there, nice. So simple, so vague, so undefined.

And I swear I will start studying. No more cramming in the week before exams. God. I still feel like stabbing myself everything the topic of results crop out. And run away because... That would mean I don't have to face anyone. I feel so worthless. I feel so lost. I don't know what I want, I can't imagine myself actually having an occupation in the future, I doubt I can live beyond 20.

Maybe my perceptions are too myopic. There are multiple roles in life, other than being a student. But what is making me so miserable is knowing that I've failed terribly as a friend and family recently. And reparations are nonetheless reparations. The amount of coal germany paid to western europe isn't going to change the fact that hitler killed 6 million jews during the war.

Moping is cathartic if there is an end to it.

2008-12-23T01:22:00.003+08:00

No more whining about results. I give up. It's no use fretting over something so intangible; books can only determine so much.

I know that I'm not good enough, and may never be. For myself, at least. To feel so unconscious over a conscious thought is seriously unhealthy, and senseless. Whatever will be, will be purged hopefully with tears and after that, no more disappointment. Only a motivated resignation to cope better. Perhaps the desire to learn will be rekindled again after failure.

2008-12-21T01:12:00.002+08:00

My Christmas wish this year is to be possessed by Vladimir Horowitz's spirit for 2 hours.

That's not too much isn't it?

2008-12-19T00:48:00.003+08:00

In short, I am a brooder. I brood over everything. I amaze myself at how much I can brood, even over things are obviously trivial. Like how I consciously feel I am brooding over the many "I"s I used in such few sentence cos I don't like to keep repeating words. And now I am brooding over how much of a failure I am because I am not sure if "I" is considered a word or not, and gawd this is someone who just declared herself a lit major? And this just brought back past brooding topics about how lousy my English standard is, and how desperately low my cap score is, and how come I kept whining but not do anything about it (it's the lethargy caused by the fats- and now I'm multi tasking and brooding over how fat I've become which my mom doesn't help by narrating my childhood biography- "you've got your dad's legs! skinny poles! now leh? looks more like a tree trunk!") ...

But anyway, this entire week has been brooding on overdrive. Currently the condition is critical, bordering on danger-to-self-and-environment. Because if I don't hurt myself by stuffing like a christmas turkey, I am going to hurt others. Lash out at them with a brooding attack. Strings and strings of grouses that trumps the christmas lights at orchard road this year. Few more years of practice and I can take over oscar the grouch. On work, on pieces, on stress, on theory, on exams, on my non existent social life, on money, on teaching, on parents!!!!!!!! ARGH, on communication, on modules, on coping, on my future, on friends, on parents, on my dad, on religion, on my mom, on my brother, on my brother's career, on his future, on his relationship with my parents, on his hypocrisy, on his marriage, on his taunts, on his taunts but the truth, on brooding, on health, on weight, on appearance, on late nights, on withdrawal symptoms, on mild autism, on german, on german 2, on my screwy phone, on wanting to read but can't seem to muster enough energy to pick up a book, on majors, on career...

Seems like I'm chiefly upset over my future or the lack of. And my brother's. (???)

So I find myself caught in a perpetually foul mood not unlike Hagrid's blast ended skrewts. Okay not exactly caught, more of engineered since yes I brought it upon myself. I guess it's not more of being unhappy, but losing the will to be happy. Or not finding things to be happy about. My mom reckons it's some hormonal thing. Yeah I'm definitely an adolescent. Behaving like some 15 year old attitudy bitch with issues. How very tragic. And one when wills herself to be a grouch, she only see the whites in a sunny side up. But on a defensive note, it's true that with that sort of perception, it's harder to extricate from the emotional muck before tackling the psychological one than to complete an ironman on legs. Like a hamster tied to an exercise wheel. (And speaking of hamsters, I'm starting to hate them. Annoying, twitchy little squeakers ferreting around trying to be cute and mousy.) And like the hamster, I'll continue cycling and whining but still, end up getting fat. Have anyone realised how there simply isn't a skinny hamster around?

Anyway because I don't feel like continuing anymore, I shall end off my current state of problems with a metaphor- an omelette. Ingredients all over mashed up together in a gooey state of yellows and whites, dashes of pepper everywhere, and a sneeze or two (if it's outside food) that feeds africa to obesity. And now I'm nibbling off the ends bite by bite. Though I still can't see the end of the omelette, it's a start.

2008-12-17T02:20:00.003+08:00

Early day tomorrow but I just can't get to sleep. When one suffers from insomnia it's due to 2 reasons. 1- slept too much. 2-thinking about silly stuff. For my case, it's probably both. Good job for waking up at almost 1 today. And it doesn't help when cute declarations like "I am worthless" keeps drifting across my consciousness. Death is no joke, but really, I feel like hurling myself out of the window right now. If I don't die now, I'd probably die within a few years cos I probably can't even file for graduation. And even if I manage to graduate, I probably can't find a job anyway, and I'll die a lonely death on the streets amongst stray cats and plastic bags.

And you know what is the worst thing? I studied. Okay 1 week isn't exactly enough, but I studied. And whining about having to teach and cope with piano is just a feeble excuse. What really is the problem is my lousy time management skills and my woolly brain. There's so much wool that I can knit sweaters for the whole of Soviet Union before 1991. It's very frustrating, really, to be so blur. All the time. Nothing vague there, and I'm not even trying to talk like how I always do. I hate it. Period. Sometimes people think it's funny, yes i think so too, but being amused and feeling abhorred by myself can coexist. And the self amusement sometimes eggs on the disgust. Okay, the best piece of advice is probably, "Then don't be so blur lah". Wah like I can control like that. "Notice your surroundings more lah". Yeah I do, but I notice the different things. I can't pretty much be good at anything, except this- look like I'm listening, thought I'm really listening, but I'm in fact not registering what's spoken. Front desk staff went on a scuba diving holiday to the Maldives again. And the best thing? It's always unconscious, until I shake myself awake and realised that I was only pretending to listen all along. It's unintentional. I swear. I'm not being deliberately rude, and uncaring, or stand-offish, but sometimes it just happens. And it's so embarrassing to keep asking people to repeat their sentences.

Pardon??

Sorry?

Huh

HUH!

what????

Or just plain staring and blinking to annoy the hell of the speaker.

And who cares if it's unintentional?

Just like who cares if I slogged hard for my studies.

2008-12-13T00:26:00.002+08:00

Strange to look at someone who had been such a major part of your life as a stranger. He looks the same, even at this stage, thanks to a stunt in the old days, but feels like we've just met. Like some friend's friend on facebook that I've seen around in school. But when that happens, I don't think anyone would feel a stab or a knock onto something hollow. And that is a very, very weird feeling. It's like remembering something that refuses to be forgotten, yet not being conscious of its existence. And it seems like I am the one drifting away... The crowd is the same. The humour is there. But I'm not. We decided that I am not. And we decided that he's not going to be here either. So it's nothing, isn't it? How amicable. How peaceful. How diplomatic. It was as if the UN stepped in.

Another emo weekend ):

2008-12-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

Dead tired. Dead emo. Post exam stress is really terrifying. Whatever that seemed beetle-like during the mugging periods are somehow amplified after the exams. It's a crime to feel so emo during this temporary divorce from books, but planning schedules is seriously driving me crazy. Toppled with unreliable admin staff, language barriers and giant communication problems, I really wish i speak Tagalog.

Anyway, this is going to be busy holiday, at least before the christmas week, with disgusting schedules of make up lessons that occupy only a third of the day. But still, I am determined to make it a movie holiday and watch videos till I go blind. And ignore the massive piles of theory homework and my teacher's accusing glares.

Fine fine fine. I hope my brother buys a Wii anyway, though I'd very much prefer the traditional playstation with bomberman. And puzzlefighter. I'm like dying to play games now. Any game. Not a computer game though, unless it's battlefield 1942. But i don't own a mouse dammit and it's lousy to depend on the trackpad.

Anyone wants to get me a psp for christmas ? :)

Creep (Radiohead)

2008-11-21T00:28:00.001+08:00

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

2008-11-15T17:26:00.002+08:00

I AM SO ANGRY. SO SO SO SO ANGRY.

2008-11-13T01:48:00.002+08:00

The 96 bus stop, the overhead bridge, the basketball court, the bus interchange.

Every one are just places. So general, that they are pluralised.

But I can't help but watch the ghosts flit across the lenses time and time again. I shut the lenses. Everything else melts into the shadows except for the illuminating silhouette of my past with youthful joy so unrestrained that one may label it INNOCENCE with dashes of condescension.

A mere reconstruction as it is. However numb the pain is, the wound still glimmers with guilt.

2008-11-12T00:00:00.004+08:00

One of the most delightful (essays) tells of how he dreamed he was a butterfly and when he woke up he could not be sure if he was himself or if he was the butterfly, now dreaming he was Zhuangzi.

I love the arts (:

2008-11-10T22:52:00.002+08:00

Maybe this will be a normal entry for once. Hm well it was a busy day. So much so that I was practically dozing off while standing on the bus during the journey home. Psych was about the opium war and Tokugawa Japan and lanky Harry who is such a fan of hitting himself. Sounds so SM huh, but he's mentally retarded. It's kind of sad to see him bashing himself up, and almost made me want to help him. But too bad, I hate statistics and bio more. And when Gloria and I thought we were so smart to not witness Harry's latest action flick inspired move and left earlier, oh we were so wrong. SMRT just couldn't pity two poor, battered, weary souls and rumble on to Nus faster, but no, we had to squeeze onto the dirty, smelly, overcrowded bus that reeked of stale perfume, sweat, overdued deodorant and animal fur. I hate SMRT. I really do. I think we uni students ought to stand up for our rights and start a protest outside clementi stadium on the rising cost of bus fares. I mean look at the bloody 151! The timings are atrocious and the bus is so freakin small and there they are, wanting to increase bus fares! And to make our bus journeys a little sweeter, to decrease the cost for changing buses! For what I ask? To wait for barbarians? And then we bus commuters end up cabbing instead. Ah see it's all part of a plan. SMRT has taxi lines right. See see see.

And to make things worse, Lit lecture today was not about mutilated body parts belonging to Elle and Lui, but also a projection of my mutilated self a few months from now. Oh how apt. I was so inspired to take Lit as a major and such a passionate, fresh, hopeful student gearing up to read, listen, analyse, paint, sing, sketch and photograph. And learning about film making, directing, dissecting scenes and characters, and the wonders of the camera. Yes, I can still do that (if the department takes me) but I'd have to endure hours of words and breath into a microphone I'd gladly stay 10 metres away. Why must TRoy breathe into the mike when she speaks? And sound so darn sophisticated like she's some snobbish French aristocrat puffing away on a cigar, dragging her ugly poodle around the hotshot boutiques selling fur and feathers? Ghastly combination but that's how exactly I'd have drawn how she looks like if I were to only hear her breaths. It sounds like she's sighing most of the time. Thank God her voice is pretty melodious; if she has this moany voice I'd bolt out of the door faster than if they start playing rihanna's umbrella.

What is that song supposed to mean anyway?

under my umbrella ella ella ella eh eh eh

the representation of how one closes the umbrella? like how it gets smaller and everything.

and i don't understand why singers like to assume another persona in a new album. WHY? does that mean if they dont, nobody will buy their album? oh like how we consumers are so retarded as to buy an album cos, oh because madonna is acting like china and marigold from the bluest eye in her new album! fishnet stockings and giant bosoms and cloth.

if jason mraz were to ever prance around in a cowboy or astronaut suit, i'll run away to iceland.

2008-11-06T01:24:00.002+08:00

I haven't even gotten used to seeing them against the parquet. Blobs of white and tinges of yellow against the brown rectangular tiles made to shine thanks to my mom's incessant mopping. Now they are displayed as works of magnificence on the kitchen walls, waiting to be butchered. My home is turning into an abattoir with heaps of ashes reproducing in every corner.

Now that it's been brought up again, I do remember how they look like against the parquet.

2008-11-05T00:30:00.002+08:00

Faceless people have their own stories to tell. This is the guy sitting next to you who got off the stop before you;that lady in red just gave you a queer look;the schoolgirl who almost fell off her seat in the bus while snoozing; the bus driver uncle;your korean lecturer with a terrible terrible accent... Do you want to hear their take on Life?

Maybe somewhere, there are a group of beings who can tap on these tales. And write about them. "Earthy encounters" with a really brown earthworm poking out of the soil. Burrowing holes to get out of the one we just burrowed. What a brilliant illustration. That is exactly how life is. In the pits.

With synonyms like that, how can we expect much?

Procrastinating

2008-11-01T20:27:00.006+08:00

I have no idea how to start writing an essay.

Sure I can ramble on and on about the treachery of the Empire, and the irony of the Barbarians despite being the object of its persecution defines its existence and about how Coetzee is such a damn brilliant but damn boring author and how Orwell presented almost the same idea is a more bimbo-friendly way and why the hell did I chose to take lit in the first place if I'm such a bimbo and oh my god why am I even in SCHOOL?

In university; the hotbed for intellectual discussions and rebellions.

For youth resistance movements, like Sukarno the engine student.

Why are we all so placid? We ought to be staging protests and riots about the rise in the prices of school food! Seriously, the claypot store at the deck has raised the costs for one claypot set. I mean, it's written 2.20, but the auntie claimed it is 2.50.

Is that daylight robbery or what?

And sources reported there is an increase in prices of the cheese sausage for the beehoon store too by 20 cents.

It's crazy, seriously. Simply atrocious. It's not called school food for nothing. And look at the Jap food store! FOUR BUCKS for the chicken katsu curry! I mean, FOUR BUCKS HELLO. And the portion is shrinking. And I bet they tried to hide the missing pieces of chicken cutlet by draping huggge amounts of curry over the rice, to pretend that the rice is the chicken.

We are born in the 1980s. We can tell what is chicken and what isn't.

******

Society is moving too fass for me (hehe couldn't resist that)! So many assignments, so many projects, so many tests. I swear it is due to the magnetic forces in the crusts of the earth that altered the movements of the earth relative to the sun and caused the clocks to tick faster. EVERYONE, from all ages feel that the pace of life is increasing and hey how much is a coincidence worth if it happens for billions of people! If animals could talk, I believe they will moan about the same tragedy. The lions and cheetahs will grumble about the deers and antelopes galloping faster these days, and the deers and antelopes will grumble about how the lions and cheetahs are chasing after them faster recently. And then they will all sigh about how fast things are moving these days.

Really should get back on my lit essay.

2008-10-30T01:49:00.001+08:00

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

- Details in the fabric, Jason Mraz

Many things in an entry

2008-10-29T01:09:00.002+08:00

If you're wondering why my name has changed to Nurliza it's because of my very amazing southeast asia project that is published under my email.

And yes, our heroine's name is called Nurliza!

Anyone who wants to read this tell me and I invite you! HAH it's really good; my groupmate reckons we can enter some local blog competition. Yeah man if their prize is the new macbook! YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Anyway GUTENTAG to the new people here. It's not many, just some molerats jogging around the page...

Hier ist die Kritik von WALL-E!

Wall-e. (from the point of view of a 40 year old virgin. )

There’s just something depressing about robots falling in love. It’s like, how one day, I might just wake up to see my canon printer cuddling the mouse. ME, watching their intimate scene in MY cold and empty bed.
Now that is one disturbing scenario.
I mean, yes this is one noble film about environmental protection and saving the damn earth and going green. More of green in the face, I say. Even Eve, this floating, dumb...I mean thumb-drive looking thing can have admirers, what does it say about me? Am I less attractive than a Kingston thumbdrive? Sure, she can fly but let’s not forget the first what, 30 minutes of the movie was like a mime. That is like betraying the basic tenets of human communication. Talk about robots being more intelligent. Birds can fly too.
Well I suppose that is Pixar’s goal of the decade. To be the new GREEN hero after Al Gore. To receive the Nobel Prize in one robotic arm and punch us Singletons with the other.
And this is not sour grapes. Like, seriously.

Okay it's quite terrible yes I know. Cos it most probably won't be published on paper I shall try to comfort myself by publishing it here. It's supposed to sound sarcastic by the way.

And thanks for the comments! :)

I have a new favourite band and that is Coldplay! I like that lead singer's voice. Yeah the bald guy.

Shall blog more about what I am interessant in. So that I can actually know what I am interesssaanttt innnn.

Back to Deutsch. Sigh.

2008-10-23T21:47:00.004+08:00

Hmm.

Short sentences really work.

Expression is really important.

I am not bad at that.

In fact, I am so bad I'm EVIL.

Cos it's poseurrrrrrishhheee to talk in a roundabout way.

Abstract, that's how they call it.

It sounds more EMO.

And create a puzzle for the world to decipher.

It's just like how people come up with crossword puzzles, and jigsaw puzzles. And write, and draw, and compose.

But there is actually a sequence to their jumble.

They get to use seemingly.

I don't.

Meine Freundin

2008-10-21T23:22:00.004+08:00

kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:14 PM)
bleh....;........
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:22 PM)
sea sea sea
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:34 PM)
my bonnie lies over the ocean
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:36 PM)
my bonnie lies over the SEA
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:46 PM)
my bonnie lies over the oceam
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:17:50 PM)
*n
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:18:08 PM)
roll over the ocean, roll over the SEA
*kestrel bigfoot says: (11:18:27 PM)
let them do their part to buid communitteeeeee

Just one of the crazy things one of my crazy friends are capable of.

I'm glad we are friends (: Genau!

Talk

2008-10-20T23:22:00.005+08:00

Talking is as useful as pacing around a room in circles. But when five gibbers some gibberish, five may actually genuinely feel what five is gibbering about. It's raw, unfiltered passion that it sprouts though it might be absolute rubbish. It's just like eight who's saying it wants to escape. Escape? Escape to where? Eight is shackled by society, but who is going to provide the key? There is no key. There is no escape. Eight knows that. Eight knew that. Yet he whines about going to another world, of jazzy pastures, idyll wind and the lounging sun. Not some smog congested garden city. It often wonders where the flowers in the garden are. To harbour such a preposterous thought is mental suicide.

But after hell freezes over, it runs back to earth seeking death.

We often think of the world in concentric circles. Everything happens for a reason and hence everything does not happen for a reason. What is real is not real. History repeats itself, though disguised. Maybe we are just reliving history. Maybe there is another person here, light years ago, typing this on her macbook named ryan, procrastinating on doing her history essay (what's new), and predicting her stress level ten minutes from now, listening to james blunt crooning about nineteenseventythrees singing here we go again.

exactly, here we go again

and another person doing the same thing light years later

wouldnt that be nice (:

2008-10-20T23:05:00.001+08:00

Relief

Fury

Distress

when the co op auntie finally handed me the receipt

2008-10-18T00:54:00.002+08:00

The need to be emo.

2008-10-07T00:02:00.002+08:00

ryan just reminded me that it's twelve freaking o clock. yes, ryan can speak people, i just wish he has a much sexier voice. hmm like rob thomas, or jason mraz. oh gees then i'll switch on ryan 24-7 just to hear him speak ;)

i realised that i have a knack for remembering the wrong things. oh well, don't we all but in my tiny hippocampus, the percentage of useless information seems overwhelming. like, the most vivid thing i remember from psych lecture today?

PIGLET IS GAY.

i honestly had no idea that he's gay! but who's his gay partner?? i reckon it's tigger cos he's the manliest among the rest, but i think someone said it ought to be pooh. not christopher robin though, that's like pedophiliac. or maybe if piglet goes for the emo, brooding type, it's probably eeyore. but piglet doesn't seem to go for moody dudes. hence, my conclusion is still tigger.

any way to check out his real romantic interest??

and finally! danke von hongyi, i finally solved the mystery of NOMINATIV UND AKKUSATIV SATZE! honestly, i look up to HERR JAFNIE. Warum? Cos he is going to be a deustchlehrer! und ich sehe das Deutsch Grammatik, ich sterben! this is definitely richtig in Grammatik nicht aber what the hell. WAS DIE HOLLE. did i mention that i absolutely HATE grammar.

german test on wednesday. tut mir leid herr dopel, ich verstehen du nicht.

2008-10-04T00:10:00.002+08:00

If i am able to make this little speck of dust disappear, i'd be able to accomplish anything, anything. Anything in the world. Then perhaps things might not be so complicated. Perhaps i would be able to see everything in a clear light. Perhaps i might start to be nice, for once. And maybe i can finally understand how it is to be able to see the good in everything. In the government, in the law, in society, in people. Maybe, things will make sense if they are coloured. Yellow, sky blue, lime, pink instead of grayscale, no matter how much ink that saves. Does that mean that if i were to printing in coloured pages, birds will start singing, bees will start buzzing, flowers will bloom, the sun will be out, and religion may actually start to make a little sense? Then maybe that will make the little speck of dust disappear (:

red deers

2008-09-22T00:04:00.004+08:00

Feels like 5 shots of wilfred owen on an empty stomach ): I don't think i will ever be happy again because the movie's so damn good it made me so depressed. life sucks, but it sucks even more now. nick's deranged expression is so firmly entrenched in my mind like dried blood. why nick why? why do you have to pull that trigger? is there really no way back? oh god, will i even be able to sleep tonight?

NICKKKKKKKKKKKKK

i feel like swearing, die vietcong die, but i guess the real perpetrators are those gamblers that encouraged the game. this will prob be offensive to a lot of people, but i seriously don't understand the joy of watching people hurt each other for money. or even being spectators. like, wrestling ought to be banned. and boxing. and chicken fighting. and whatever that involves two subjects trying to take the other one out on a ring with screaming idiots egging them on. it's downright sadistic, and these people really should take turns being the subjects one day. it's not that im being a puritan or maybe i am but im denying it, but really, violence on an entertainment level should be wiped out. i mean, violence itself already suggests the senselessness of pulling punches. it's unlike maybe say, muay thai or fencing which actually has a set of training and 1101e. wrestling just seems so... inferior. why pay to watch something like that? just go to some random shady pub and get some free show up close.

and what is worse than dying in a war in a less glorified way, is dying in a less glorified way without a cause. blame foreign intervention, and the old men in tux with bulging tummies and their starbucks takeaways in air conditioned offices in white. who wouldnt pledge their sons to the front line, but actively cajoles young men from comfortable homes, from safe classrooms, from libraries, from science labs and basketball courts and plant them in pits of death and helpless evil. where they are forced to stab their own, clothed in a different coloured uniform if they don't want to be returned with the favour. can you imagine, one moment learning about newton's third law and worrying about the next algebra test, and the next moment crawling through some smelly old trench with rats in a godforsaken plot of dirt with a bomb next to you?

suddenly, viva la vida doesn't seem so inspiring anymore ):

2008-09-13T23:05:00.006+08:00

Have you ever wondered how much pain the rope feels during tug-of-war? Just to get over to the other side, its bones ripped off, ligaments torn, features mutilated, just for the sake of a few hearty cheers made by imbecilic human beings? And after that, what happens? It gets thrown aside like some abandoned baby at a local rubbish dump, with shreds of flesh dangling like the broken arm of a plastic doll. Have you realised your mistake now? Do you now regret all the gratification of tugging on that little rope, those excitable moments of painful pleasured? How are you going to make it up, to it? And in my world? To her. And her. To them.

You will not read this. Why will you read this when you are so busy ruining the lives of two innocent girls whose combined age does not even exceed a double digit, such indecently noble tasks that only people beyond redemption will enjoy. Fear not, in our advanced age, you have much company. I long to spit this in your face, but you live too far away. I hope you'll get caught in the rain.

Fuel.

2008-09-11T01:49:00.003+08:00

It's time to tap on the world's renewable energy resources! Let's take these broken hearts and grind them into dust. Mix them with spring water from the alps, lonkang water from serangoon, and newater and let the whole pail listen to sexyback thrice. Start a fire and we can power the machinery with this newfound, brilliant technology. Isn't that absolutely fantastic?? THE invention of THE century! With such innovative ideas to help save the world, must I still do the assignments? :)

Ich liebe Ryan. Und mein Handy auch! :D

2008-09-09T22:05:00.002+08:00

When everything comes to a standstill, the only logical thing to do is to move on.

2008-09-08T22:55:00.002+08:00

So i've been told that i look considerably happier (: I'm glad to hear that, not that any disguise is thus deemed effective, but i guess because it is true that I'm feeling less melancholic. Perhaps it wasn't as serious as I thought it was, but it's still undeniable that this seems sort of different from the rest. In a league of its own. And hence the consequences vary, unsurprisingly. But after what's said and done, when the sun sets, the colours still shine for you (:

Tomorrow's a BIG day for my kids! 2 of them... and I am so freaking nervous. Just remembered suddenly that it's the 9th of sept tomorrow. Sigh I hope i've done enough for them, especially the Aural bit. Though everyone keeps telling me that, EVEN IF things don't go well, it still isn't my fault cos I only took them for like, 6 lessons? But I can't help feeling the pressure ): Lyon should do all right, that cool as cucumber bugger but I am SO worried for Ruiling. She can't just giggle to the old angmoh and tell him she doesn't understand! And I am so darn afraid that is exactly what she will do tomorrow oh god.

But anyway, no point feeling stressed over things that can't be helped. As if school isn't stressful enough already, with the never ending readings, projects, mid term papers, readings, readings and readings. Everyone either look like zombies, or targets for china poachers. Good job nus! Must be some ploy to sell concealer with some cosmetic giant. Sigh

2008-09-07T14:10:00.001+08:00

Target of the week: Killing orcs

2008-08-30T22:15:00.002+08:00

When life becomes a dizzying swirl, what else can you do but resist the urge to puke?

When your heart can ache no more, what else can you do but wrench it, and watch the red pulp cascade

Just like how tears glided smoothly down such familier cheekbones.

When you feel like enough is enough, what else can you do but hope for the end which will never come

Unless you look at the world in black and white again?

Againagainagain. A gain. Once is just too much. And twice is just suicidal. But thrice?

2008-08-28T23:10:00.002+08:00

Because nothing will come out of this, i've decided to stop hoping. Why fight a losing battle? There's no pride, no glory in this war. Only death and heartache. And the gnawing repercussions that devours you to skin and bones but that's when you realise that you are just a shell.

Sure there might be birth again. A regeneration of cells; bright, young and fast. Life awakes from a slumber, but it loses its momentum. A sea of wild flowers. Quickening pulses, rush of blood, giddy sensations... After a few shots of alcohol, you say, but they don't sell em in school you argue before sinking into a drunken stupor.

Rubbish. Should sleep (:

2008-08-26T22:38:00.003+08:00

I'm taking some time off from studying to emo for a while.

Discovered a really sweeeet song today. It's called "Never gonna let you go" by i think Sergio Mendez and Faith Evans? About a couple who reconciled and pledged to each other that they are going to stay together forever. Such awww lyrics huh. The closet romantic was sniffling and beaming when i first heard the song but the shelled cynic just snorted. Sniffles and snorts; how contradictory. It's like how much im so fond of romantic poetry despite knowing that it's mostly fictional and selfishly personal. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? - awwwww (:

Hence i suppose i consider myself rather realistic. Down to earth. Practical. Honest. Hahahaha, and thou shalt not allow thou to venture into dark and murky waters lest thou shalt drown. Because that will happen indefinitely, no matter how hard i try to save myself. And when i see davy jones locker, it's the point of no return.

2008-08-21T23:46:00.002+08:00

So the audition is tomorrow. Seems like i don't give a hoot about it, but honestly im scared shitless. Oh ew so coarse, see how nervous i am? I kept trying to convince myself and others that it doesn't matter; i'd probably not get in as a performer anyway... and that's like so totally true, except i'll feel REALLY REALLY UPSET if i can't get in. But oh well... Reality has to set in sooner or later yeah. Just give my best shot tomorrow and to hell with the results :)

Tennis said hi to me today :) wow apparently he remembers me. I suppose that's a good thing?

2008-08-20T20:51:00.002+08:00

It's really amazing how bad my memory is. While i was walking home today, i thought over soo many things, and came home with this immense urge to blog. So here i am now, sitting comfortably in my arm chair, a cup of hot tea on the table, Jason Mraz serenading in the background, Ryan staring expectantly at me... I just can't seem to remember why i'm here in the first place. And i plonked down right after i got home. Count the minutes?

So many things to say, so little memory space. Tsk tsk tsk.

Well anyway, it's a pretty okay day today, albeit a few embarrassing moments but yeah well what's new haha. Then again, my it'stimetoexpandthebase movement seems to be working pretty well... At least for today. Which is great! :):):) Keep it up weizheng! Only down side is some little thing during lunch which is one HUGE embarrassing moment but let's not elaborate shall we SIGH, and oh shit i just went to change a song on i tunes and i totally forgot what's the second reason. *throws hands up in exasperation* Nevermind i will add it in if i can remember.

The bus ride home was rather uncomfortable though. I don't know why, (OH JUST RMB. HAHA didnt see TENNIS* today. boohoohoo.) but sometimes reflecting can be sucha painful process. Maybe cos i tend to dwell upon problems or things i felt i shouldnt have done etc, but hey isn't that what reflections are for? Haha. But it seems like to me, reflecting=emo-ing. And someone just asked me what i think is the most romantic thing a couple can do but i couldn't come up with one but HA i got it now! jezst! Okay it's not exactly romantic per se, but it's really sweet when a couple can sit and enjoy each other's company in silence. Maybe say for example, if the girl is upset with something, the guy can just sit quietly with her and respect her need to think through some stuff but still providing support. Like, on standby mode hahaha. And vice versa lah. Hmmm seems like im quite a boring person hurhurhur. Nevermind. I shall think of more romantic stuff to do with TENNIS next time ;)

*shuttle=badminton=2xy(rackets)=tennis! get it? (:

Why bother to put yourself through all these unnecessary trouble? There's this lady living near my estate who always walks around talking to herself and like it was fated or something, she just appeared while i was thinking this through. HAHA and it suddenly dawned upon me that she's probably the happiest person around. Because she has simply severed the strings connecting us and society. It is society-its norms, its beliefs, perpetrated by its followers that is making ironically, these followers itself miserable; tying double the knots one can untie. Let it go, you say, but how easy is it to be indifferent to everything? In fact, i did precisely that, or at least attempted to, and find myself yearning to join back from the fringes. To have a say, to make a stand, to form relationships instead of merely observing (or stoning) from the sidelines. Cheering or jeering from the grandstand. Because, for all its tranquility, it is nonetheless lonely to be a solitary bystander. It's as if i've almost forgotten how to connect with people.

(And can the nuspe people STOP sending emails? Arrrgh. It's just an audition for goodness sake. Got so many questions to ask meh.)

Broken train of thought. Shall eat ondeh ondeh, bathe, play piano and get back.

2008-08-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

Oh how much he must detest me now. It's difficult to get angry with someone you love, cos of not wanting to hurt that person. Especially when he lives in the same house. So much so that i find myself ready to forgive him when rationally i shouldn't. But it seems like i don't get angry very much anymore, much less get into conflicts. Ha imagine how much we argued. I think the frequency and intensity of those arguments really turned me off. However pissed off i feel, whether it's towards family or friends it's quite unlikely that i'll get into a heated argument... i think. And that sucks.

Don't think he will read this, but i miss him so much ):

2008-08-16T00:13:00.001+08:00

If i feel uncomfortable speaking even to a rather good friend, then something is definitely wrong.

Emo momo

2008-08-14T21:19:00.002+08:00

One friend just told me that i always look happy no matter where i am, what time it is, that it seems impossible to see me looking angry or depressed.

Therefore, clearly, this friend and i are just mere acquaintances.

It's like every cell in me is imbued with negativity. When my brother asked me to just name a random event that will happen in my life, my immediate answer was death. And it wasn't cos i'm acting punkish or morbid, but i swear on my new pretty macbook that death was the first thought that crossed my mind. Plus, that is the truth aye? And when i said death, hah i can't describe how vertical his eyebrows shot up. Apparently, i'm the only one, out of the many many people that he did his survey on who answered death. Whee! 10 points for originality!

Sigh i'm feeling so depressed that even lisa ono sounds thrashy. Usually her voice works like a phillips iron, soothing the creases and straightening out things. Time to use the trump card. Let Chopin do his magic (:

Seriously, till now he is the only guy in the world that makes my heart skip a beat regularly. Where to find someone like that? :( Sigh i should probably start joining the lonely hearts club, NAT I WANT MEMBERSHIP!

Haha it'd be funny if there really is a lonely hearts club, like literally, maybe in nus or something. Then it'd be a mini sdu unit. Not that nus or any instituition needs that; it's already an sdu in itself. Hmm they say that it's in the uni when one gets into relationships cos well, i don't know why. WHY? WHY UNI? Cos it's the most appropriate age? How appropriate is the appropriate age? How do anyone know it's The Appropriate age? How do we know anyone KNOWS that it's The Appropriate age?

So many questions, so little answers.

Throw you out of the window!

Day one!

2008-08-11T23:16:00.005+08:00

And so, it's the first day of school :)

Strangely enough, i don't feel any butterflies that usually flutter frantically before other "first days of school". Today i just felt... butterflies coated with butter. Bit languid, bit lethargic, bit cannot be bothered man. Where's the excitement?? Sigh probably cos i'm still in the holiday mood. Like, woohoo! It's after A levels man and i ought to enjoy myself to the max! Clearly i didnt... sob sob.

Lit was just SO disappointing. I mean, i admit that nj wasn't like a school for the arts or anything, but the lit lecturers i had were fantastic. Okay that only applies to whitby, but dot chua, champagne and dio at least kept me awake at their introductory lecture! And i can actually comprehend what they were rambling about, unlike today when i just totally.. whatever man. But then again i probably should not judge a book by it's cover, MAYBE the skies will clear up after a few more lectures! And psych? Rah i'd probably major in lit. Nuff said.

Hm, instead of the lessons being thought provoking, i think my lunch convo was more of a brain eater. Haha THANKS BEN for answering many of my doubts bout religion. I mean, really, this is the first time i actually told someone with faith (is that the correct way of putting it?) about my opinions cos i was worried that it'd spark a really sensitive and nasty debate that i so totally want to avoid *nods* Yup. And it's really great talking to you haha HTHT! Hope that your problem really clears up soon! And i realise that we kept thanking each other lol. It's okay lah, friend friend already!

Thought about many issues.

Thinking about more issues.

Shall think about more issues.

Hurray, this is the first step to self discovery :)

Bit late, but i'll get there :)

2008-08-09T01:08:00.004+08:00

I guess i should feel relieved, but i'm pretty upset that it's over. Just a little. But it went PRETTY well. Better than i expected, though i did not expect much :)

Throw them out of the window!

Just when i thought everything will be innocent and happy again, new problems gotta surface and old ones resurrect. Some... i should have seen it coming, but i'm just not in a position to do anything about it. And that's when it really sucks because i feel so helpless. I sure as hell know it's impossible between them, and honestly, it will be the strangest thing if they reconcile. But isn't the whole point of marriage supposed to promise almost an eternal companionship? Society is messed up, but i don't think it's THAT * up. Maybe i'm just naive. A self-professed a cynic as i am, i still dream of wearing that white gown, saying the sacred oath, and having a beautiful wedding with lots and lots and lots of flowers. Just a bimbotic fantasy. What substance is there in a marriage anyway? Till death do us part may sound impressive, but it's as hollow as politicians. But back to the subj, it's not as if i can be there for her 24/7! I really hope that she can lead a more active life outside the household, but it pains me to see her going to work because she doesn't need to stress herself, honestly. Not only applies to her, but him as well, as much as i prefer not having him around sometimes. It's a conscience thing, though we both know that things can't stay like that forever. No point in attempting to salvage any situation.

Sigh.

Throw them out of the window!

Cosmic terror. My world is as small as a telescope eye. The sky, even with altering perspectives is still blue with dotty clouds. And the only exit is a toss off a skyscraper... Heads or tails?

Woohoo!

2008-08-08T00:01:00.002+08:00

And so, it all ends tomorrow. One word- PANIC. It's hard to imagine that all those months of hard work all points down to my performance tomorrow to some aging British lad. But i feel SO UNPREPARED! Despite playing the pieces for THE LONGEST TIME, and i am so darn sick of them already but it feels like i've been playing them for only a week.

Confidence is the key to a great performance, but i just can't seem to muster any now. It's as if im yelling, "Do the right thing!" but my body simply refuses to respond.

Maybe i should really start doing a cheer in the middle of the exam.

XI DE GUO DONG!

Sigh.

2008-08-01T23:42:00.005+08:00

I love arts camp.

I love sushi.

I love swakoo.

I love o week.

If not for them, i think i would have started bawling on the streets. Though i am still upset, an afternoon of happy distractions really helped.

How would i feel if i really failed? And it's because of insufficient practice cos i was busy with the camp and the extra piano lessons. Would i regret not pulling out of the camp? Sigh. But i guess ultimately... It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Every situation just needs a little time to get used to. And a little tweaking of cranky emotions. And if i don't want to disappoint myself, panicking is so not the solution :) Since there is still time, i ought to do whatever i can to make the mark. BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING SO FREAKIN ANXIOUS! :( It's like, neither here nor there. I can't enjoy the entire arts camp happily, and i feel worried about the lack of practice. But what the hell, it's not like i will practice for 12 hours like that. I've been playing the pieces like, 1 years plus. Except that STUPID VOGEL ALS PROPHET that is the chief reason for my misery. But it's really comforting that hey, when i'm around swakoo, i tend to temporarily discard those feelings of anxiety and paranoia though there were moments when i think it was quite obvious that i just look damn sian, since my ogl thought i was sick.

If life were a story, everything would be written in invisible ink.

Therapy

2008-07-22T23:26:00.002+08:00

Maybe i ought to turn in now, but there's just so much work left undone and knots untied that i can't bring myself to let go of everything even for tonight. Sigh yet another day when i have no time to practise. True, time can be acquired; i'm just lazy and ill-disciplined. But i can't sustain without lagging around for at least a few hours. I'm tired, i want to run away and chuck all these responsibilites aside but... this is just the beginning. I want to talk to someone, but i don't want to be seen as a whiny ninny fellow though indeed i am one. But... it's just not very nice lah. I really wish sg can have a slower pace of life, i mean look at the peak hour crowd! Every single commuter looks damn exhausted, in the evenings after work, but even in the mornings before work! Clearly we are just cogs in a wheel, when we are supposed to be a free society! Talk about blatant irony. And speaking of the peak hour crowd in trains, i think i got sexually harassed today! *gags* So the train was like super packed, and everyone was within mili-inches of each other, but there was this forty something man who was standing.. hmm just a bit too close. He was basically pressing his whole body against my back and breathing down my neck. OH GOD even writing about it invites goosebumps. Yuck yuck yuck i can't believe this kinda thing happened to me the SECOND TIME. LIKE C'MON, pick someone better looking okay???

Emo.Emo.Emo. Thank god for music. For wonderful composers. For Chopin. No man made me feel like he DOES and ever WILL HA. Sigh if only he was tall dark and handsome. Like a Mr Darcy, gosh he would be the most perfect man that ever existed. Childish fascinations are a form of therapy :)

Forms and stress are driving me nuts.

Yet another random post

2008-07-22T00:27:00.001+08:00

Okay i'm blogging now to remind myself that i still have a blog. Too many things are going on right now, and if i don't start refreshing my memory on what the hell my blog username and password is... yeah we all know what will happen to this one.

Anyway i'm as busy as a whitbee now! With my upcoming piano exam, that'd be on the 8th of august (OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG) and extra piano tuition AND piano lessons AND the PA job, slacking is indeed a luxury i cannot afford :( Especially with the uni registration and choosing modules, can life get any more hectic than this?? *covers ears* NO! The answer is NO :)

And i miss my FF mates! FF is a silly name, but i don't know what else to call them. One i still meet regularly, one lives all the way at the other end of the country, and one seems busy with her og mates. I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL I MISS YOU ALL. i know we are talking now, and we are meeting up on thursday, but but but. :( Nothing feels like home.

Sigh, today is an emo day. Maybe it's cos of the rain. But rainy days are nice. Rainy days, a warm cup of coffee or tea, and some soothing jazzy music makes me want to fall in love. There's just something about the rain that makes me feel reflective... hm though both thoughts have not much of a link... but anyway, i've decided that it's not really much of the surroundings that defines an existence, but one's perceptions and psych that truly determines one's environment. And that's the wonderful thing about our imagination. I used to grumble a lot that sg has too little cute sidewalk cafes, and why pop music is like, popular, and coke the IN drink but not coffee or tea...but then i grew older. It's not much about fitting in anymore, though to me that's still a problem, and most importantly, to perceive things my way instead of conforming to the majority. After all, it's all in the mind. Maybe it's because it's only now when i really understand that piece of logic, and that's when the reflections really start. And even though sg architecture can REALLY move beyond tissue boxes, it's quite unlikely that we will have quaint little shophouses with sidewalk cafes any time in the future unless HANSON becomes the president and we take over the rest of SEA... they can still exist.Inside :)

random

2008-07-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

just some updates from nowhere. hmmm so i had my first piano lesson as a teacher today and i realised that being a piano teacher is one of the best decisions i've made for a long time. i dont know if it's just the first lesson introduction thing, but i feel that it's SO RELAXING. unlike normal academic tuition, which is SO friggin stressful, especially when there's MATH involved. like that p6 class that i took for relief teaching where im so fortunate to teach a topic that i have never understood since the p6 days- volume of cubes and cuboids. the one where you have to stuff little cubes into a big cuboid until it's full. though why would anyone want to do that? why cant they just leave the cubes alone? or at least, build lego or something, instead of hiding them away.

precamp on monday and tuesday! oh yay im back with the sushi people again haha. though i wouldnt really mind like, joining the people from this og that i was initially posted to, but i was afraid they wouldnt accept me :( i mean, after all they have their own memories and stuff from the arts camp already so i'll be like this spare tyre. but it's okay! im back with the old crowd again YAY! :)

and most probably i'll be getting a mac! great now i cant decide if i should get an ipod touch or a nano. too bad touch only has BLACK which is like so yawns. but it has GPS which i think is one of the greatest inventions apart from the piano and the guitar and the violin and the water heater.

i have a dream. that is to open a little cafe where im the boss who has the luxury to act like a customer. and everyday, i can hold little coffee and tea parties for my friends (human, not stuffed) or if im feeling just emo, just sit at a random corner and stare of the window or people-watch. or if im inspired, i can write my musings for a living, something like what huang jun lang does, and publish them.and these musings arent supposed to inspire...they're just there to create new trains of thought for people.i think that should be the point of such literature; such that readers need not read more than once because they are encouraged to ponder over their own ideas and responses, not mine. or my friends can doodle on the walls... now that's life :)

HE is the LOVE ;)

2008-07-07T18:08:00.000+08:00

warning- emo entry

so while i was showering just now-usually that's when inspiration strikes-this image just strolled by nonchalantly, accompanied by a raspy, ancient voice, "come on gang! speak to whitby! do the UH-NA-LA-SIS!" ah yes, the love of my life... how could i have forgotten?

alright, i admit this isn't a flattering picture, and really, he looks better in person. all tall and dark and handsome (yeah i swear it's the camera flash that made his skin appear so fair *nod nod*) and suave and charming and intellectual... or else why would i be so smitten by him?

okay enough of the mushy talk; even i myself is a bit disgusted haha. but seriously, man i MISS WHITBY!!! apart from the three crazy mates i met in nj, HE is the reason why i love the school (yes hy carmen nat, i miss nj though i still have doubts about going back). and just now, all those memories just came rushing back- his legendary sayings, the spider in the shed, when i urged him to listen to maroon 5, that bimbotic comment about his khaki shirt that looked green in the sun (or was is the other way round?), when he got so offended and stomped up the stairs when i commented about how he looks like a newcastle fan, his ability to DANCE! HAHAHA, and those painful sessions on writing introductory paragraphs that was like extracting blood from a turnip.

i still remember how determined i was to major in lit when we collected the a level results... and how i really felt like, whitby inspired me to love literature, to see the beauty of subtlety in language, and to explore beyond the parameters of reality. so at that point of time, my decision wasnt merely a wild romantic pursuit (REALLY LAH). and clearly, it ISN'T now, since im wavering. advice? to follow your heart. but what if. im not good enough? what if i cant keep up with the curriculum? moreover, i have this problem with expression, which is why my essays are usually longer as compared to others-maybe except jaf's-BUT his has substance and a hell lot of cheem words whereas mine is just... well, it has lots of words. an average joe. not some mighty bartholomew. and my grasp of the eng language isn't fantastic either. im trying, by attempting to read widely, take note of difficult words... but it's sad to realise at the end of the day, when i read various articles and blog entries that i do not have the flair for writing that others are gifted with. i dont mean to feel so weak and tragically helpless, but face it, it's true that in some fields, either you have it or you dont. some fields ie. language. sigh, but it's okay :) one can still try one's best HA! +ve +VE thinking!

but not for long. :( okay even if i made it. like i graduated with honours! whoopee! but what can i do in the future? some el lecturer at nus said that lit grads are basically writers, hmm well yeah, but how many writers can there be in singapore? not only lit grads can be writers, ANYONE can be a writer, as long as he possesses the literary skills. plus... i think it's best to pursue my dream when i still have a full set of teeth and my bones are not yet brittle, and currently, i want to dabble in the film industry. not really shooting films per se-given that up a few mths ago ha- but analysing films. a film critic. some time ago, i watched this taiwanese variety show and there was this lady who works in a private company that imports films into taiwan. so basically, she watches and critiques foreign films and decides whether they are suitable for the taiwanese market. sounds good eh? to me it's really appealing though no doubt the enthusiasm might wear off as watching movies become a chore but as compared to other jobs (think finance and banking ind, even rookie journalists etc) THIS is what attracts me the most. BUT the flip side is that sg is such a smaaaaaalllllllllllllllll country with limited resources and a teeeeeeeeeeeeensssy market (but i still love the country! stand up for singapore!), and it's still rather conservative. (coughu derstatementcough) jobs are limited, and if i get posted to like, the censorship board, people will HATE me for imposing NC 16s and M18s and for cutting away important but perhaps offensive scenes even in rated movies. and knowing me, i'll feel guilty for the rest of my life *WAILS*

okay not that long, but hmm maybe a week or two. so anyway, it's so unsettling to not have a PLAN. and as many of my friends are on scholarships, esp the moe scholarships (like oh my god they are the educators of tomorrow!), i feel like this stubborn wastrel. stubborn because i refuse to become a teacher. i am stubborn. i am as obstinate as an ox. and i still dont want to become a teacher. sorry, no way jose, not for a million bucks until you gimme the money. ha, but on a serious note, those urm (charlie,tag,momo,kar,ardie,char and i think a snr from the arts camp but cant rmb who) SEVEN noble people? i have absolute confidence that they will be the whitbys and celine oons of the future. you can do it people! im just not very sure if i want to have kids though. :D hehe kidding. well if that really happens, like if im not married or something, i'll secretly enroll my nieces and nephews in whatever schools you guys are in. but have to draw lots huh, to be fair.

so... meanwhile, i shall continue to figure out my future. though it gets rather depressing, to be confused by that, and those complicated stuff from uni registration (SOS!!!!!!!!), it seems like reality hits you in the face- "GIRL YOU ARE NOT A KID ANYMORE." yes, i am already 18, i am eligible for a driving license, i can go clubbing (though i dont understand why people like going to clubs. and that night at taboo simply just contribued to the wall of SHAME that already has 2 or 3 other events full of REGRET. and i mean the dancing not the drinking. drinking's fun albeit fattening ) yada yada yada. and moping around the house these 2 days didnt help one fat bit. had a cold and fever this weekend. ha and when i told my friend, he was like, "you're sick again??" YES wth. and as a result, i missed a dinner outing to marche. yes MARCHE. arrgh. and it's the one at vivo! the one i didnt get to try yet. arrgh. i WILL TRY IT NEXT TIME! when my nose stops running away... :)

oh yeah, my brother just bought this starhub wireless thing that supposedly allows me to use the com in the living room! means that yay! it's connected again! though he's been nice lately, by allowing me to use the com, and coming home so late at night :)

whew, such a long entry. that's all for now.

ps: hey ray of sunshine, you just reminded me tt i still own that shirt haha ;)

hellohello

2008-07-02T23:44:00.000+08:00

alrighty, so this is my donno how manyth attempt at blogging. it's amazing how popular blogspot.com is, and how many silly minded people like myself. i thought i was the only corny person to come up with REALLY odd urls, but sigh, guess i thought wrong. but anyway, this might not be the last blog since at this time i still cant remember my username password and url (note to self: JUST WRITE IT DOWN LAH) but it's okay, we should all live for the moment =)

so, june's been a really hectic month. i felt like i grew up a lot just in that one month- chicken pox, not being able to go on the trip to tw and hk thanks to chickenstupidpox, being independent (finally) to learn and solve my own problems, going to CASE, writing registered letters (for once, hurray for gong han!)... and the arts camp! im glad nat dragged me to the camp... though well, i still feel like im mildly autistic, but... im still undergoing treatment. i mean, the camp's really fun, and the people there are friendly, but i guess i still feel rather uncomfortable in big groups. ha but at least i dont like, squat in a corner and draw circles so it aint that bad huh. nevermind, take a step at a time and thou shalt reach the peak of the mountain! hmmm and the piano recital! it was really a wake up call, like how performing and practising can be so vastly different, given at how i nearly had cardiac arrest before i went on stage, it's quite obvious that i really need to train to stop my fingers from dancing their own tune. and yes, i've been doing that, at least attempting to do so while striking a balance with shopping! but i've yet to figure a solution to keep the nerves in check. unless i can somehow drag the piano to the middle of orchard road and start busking or something. good idea huh- train, and earn some money too for the feed weizheng fund- the girl whose thousand over dollars worth of savings just got stolen by chickens. rahh! whoever's reading this, please just go to kfc tomorrow (and the next day and the next) and have a feast. yes, you vegetarian, you too, please do your bit for the good of society.

okay it's so late now and i gotta get up early tmr. it's a shame to log off now though, since my brother's still not home yet (cheers!) but i think this entry has reached the max level for rubbishing. take care ya'll (okay just myself and nat who says she wants to read this), and go shopping!