No more whining about results. I give up. It's no use fretting over something so intangible; books can only determine so much. 

I know that I'm not good enough, and may never be. For myself, at least. To feel so unconscious over a conscious thought is seriously unhealthy, and senseless. Whatever will be, will be purged hopefully with tears and after that, no more disappointment. Only a motivated resignation to cope better. Perhaps the desire to learn will be rekindled again after failure.