It's not that I am awfully upset, it's not that the tears cannot stop. In fact, there isn't even any though I kept telling myself that they are on the verge of spilling out. 

Perhaps it's my body's way of comforting myself. To actually cry means coming to terms with it, instead of being in denial. Talking about it indeed made me feel so much better and there really isn't a need to blog. But I wanted to, just for the record. And maybe some silly academic pursuit of the difference between consciously writing and writing when one's emotions are still raw. And whether letting the feelings transform themselves into lifeless words actually help.

Currently the pain is pretty subdued. But seeing their names just... stings me a little. Pangs of regret, of humiliation, yes it's that feeling of stabbing pain that I have not experienced in a long while. Because no matter how illusory my involvement are on these affairs, this is the first really concrete one. And so it's no wonder I actually feel like dying initially when I heard about it. It was unbearable, but now I just feel numb. Is it the pain subsiding? Do I finally accept that it's all a mistake and it shouldn't even have started? 

I don't know how to face everyone tomorrow, so I have to be strong. At least, try not to break down in front of them, and everyone else as I envisioned myself doing. I've never experienced this kind of thing... in such close proximity. Illusory, remember? This is the time to be a tough cookie, you know you can do it (: 

And the very least I hope I can get, right now, is to have a good night's sleep.