so while i was showering just now-usually that's when inspiration strikes-this image just strolled by nonchalantly, accompanied by a raspy, ancient voice, "come on gang! speak to whitby! do the UH-NA-LA-SIS!" ah yes, the love of my life... how could i have forgotten?
alright, i admit this isn't a flattering picture, and really, he looks better in person. all tall and dark and handsome (yeah i swear it's the camera flash that made his skin appear so fair *nod nod*) and suave and charming and intellectual... or else why would i be so smitten by him?
okay enough of the mushy talk; even i myself is a bit disgusted haha. but seriously, man i MISS WHITBY!!! apart from the three crazy mates i met in nj, HE is the reason why i love the school (yes hy carmen nat, i miss nj though i still have doubts about going back). and just now, all those memories just came rushing back- his legendary sayings, the spider in the shed, when i urged him to listen to maroon 5, that bimbotic comment about his khaki shirt that looked green in the sun (or was is the other way round?), when he got so offended and stomped up the stairs when i commented about how he looks like a newcastle fan, his ability to DANCE! HAHAHA, and those painful sessions on writing introductory paragraphs that was like extracting blood from a turnip.
i still remember how determined i was to major in lit when we collected the a level results... and how i really felt like, whitby inspired me to love literature, to see the beauty of subtlety in language, and to explore beyond the parameters of reality. so at that point of time, my decision wasnt merely a wild romantic pursuit (REALLY LAH). and clearly, it ISN'T now, since im wavering. advice? to follow your heart. but what if. im not good enough? what if i cant keep up with the curriculum? moreover, i have this problem with expression, which is why my essays are usually longer as compared to others-maybe except jaf's-BUT his has substance and a hell lot of cheem words whereas mine is just... well, it has lots of words. an average joe. not some mighty bartholomew. and my grasp of the eng language isn't fantastic either. im trying, by attempting to read widely, take note of difficult words... but it's sad to realise at the end of the day, when i read various articles and blog entries that i do not have the flair for writing that others are gifted with. i dont mean to feel so weak and tragically helpless, but face it, it's true that in some fields, either you have it or you dont. some fields ie. language. sigh, but it's okay :) one can still try one's best HA! +ve +VE thinking!
but not for long. :( okay even if i made it. like i graduated with honours! whoopee! but what can i do in the future? some el lecturer at nus said that lit grads are basically writers, hmm well yeah, but how many writers can there be in singapore? not only lit grads can be writers, ANYONE can be a writer, as long as he possesses the literary skills. plus... i think it's best to pursue my dream when i still have a full set of teeth and my bones are not yet brittle, and currently, i want to dabble in the film industry. not really shooting films per se-given that up a few mths ago ha- but analysing films. a film critic. some time ago, i watched this taiwanese variety show and there was this lady who works in a private company that imports films into taiwan. so basically, she watches and critiques foreign films and decides whether they are suitable for the taiwanese market. sounds good eh? to me it's really appealing though no doubt the enthusiasm might wear off as watching movies become a chore but as compared to other jobs (think finance and banking ind, even rookie journalists etc) THIS is what attracts me the most. BUT the flip side is that sg is such a smaaaaaalllllllllllllllll country with limited resources and a teeeeeeeeeeeeensssy market (but i still love the country! stand up for singapore!), and it's still rather conservative. (coughu derstatementcough) jobs are limited, and if i get posted to like, the censorship board, people will HATE me for imposing NC 16s and M18s and for cutting away important but perhaps offensive scenes even in rated movies. and knowing me, i'll feel guilty for the rest of my life *WAILS*
okay not that long, but hmm maybe a week or two. so anyway, it's so unsettling to not have a PLAN. and as many of my friends are on scholarships, esp the moe scholarships (like oh my god they are the educators of tomorrow!), i feel like this stubborn wastrel. stubborn because i refuse to become a teacher. i am stubborn. i am as obstinate as an ox. and i still dont want to become a teacher. sorry, no way jose, not for a million bucks until you gimme the money. ha, but on a serious note, those urm (charlie,tag,momo,kar,ardie,char and i think a snr from the arts camp but cant rmb who) SEVEN noble people? i have absolute confidence that they will be the whitbys and celine oons of the future. you can do it people! im just not very sure if i want to have kids though. :D hehe kidding. well if that really happens, like if im not married or something, i'll secretly enroll my nieces and nephews in whatever schools you guys are in. but have to draw lots huh, to be fair.
so... meanwhile, i shall continue to figure out my future. though it gets rather depressing, to be confused by that, and those complicated stuff from uni registration (SOS!!!!!!!!), it seems like reality hits you in the face- "GIRL YOU ARE NOT A KID ANYMORE." yes, i am already 18, i am eligible for a driving license, i can go clubbing (though i dont understand why people like going to clubs. and that night at taboo simply just contribued to the wall of SHAME that already has 2 or 3 other events full of REGRET. and i mean the dancing not the drinking. drinking's fun albeit fattening ) yada yada yada. and moping around the house these 2 days didnt help one fat bit. had a cold and fever this weekend. ha and when i told my friend, he was like, "you're sick again??" YES wth. and as a result, i missed a dinner outing to marche. yes MARCHE. arrgh. and it's the one at vivo! the one i didnt get to try yet. arrgh. i WILL TRY IT NEXT TIME! when my nose stops running away... :)
oh yeah, my brother just bought this starhub wireless thing that supposedly allows me to use the com in the living room! means that yay! it's connected again! though he's been nice lately, by allowing me to use the com, and coming home so late at night :)
whew, such a long entry. that's all for now.
ps: hey ray of sunshine, you just reminded me tt i still own that shirt haha ;)
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